Rules of Engagement: The Online Hook-up

by Vunderkind


It’s quite depressing that most blokes do not know how to “chyk” a girl online. I mean, how hard can it be? Do it wrongly and she can’t take out her anger on you physically! That’s the advantage. The disadvantage is that at any given time when you are laying down the crumbs for the chick online, approximately three other boyz are doing the same from various corners of their phones (believe me, I did my research).

What does this mean for humanity? Well, it means that only the fairest wins the girl. And by “fairest”, I’m not referring to complexion (you can put the bleaching cream down now, Nnamdi) but to an attitude, a doggedness only possessed by religious followers of the Bro Code.

The First Rule: THINK BEFORE YOU SPIT, NIGGAHhow to begin a chat with a  girl, chatting with a girl online, funny way to begin chatting with a girl

First, never use extremely vomit-inducing opening lines like “hey sexy”, or “wuxup angle” (tip: it’s angel, not angle. And even at that, never call a girl an angel at first online sight. They don’t immediately start dancing azonto because some ugly boy just called them angels. Believe me, I researched! And yes, you sure are ugly. Forget what your mother said. She lied).

I mean, seriously, wtf is wrong with you? Why use an opening line like “how are you princess?”. That’s very Un-bro-codely of you! What reply do you expect? “I’m fine, my prince?”. Oh, and by the way, if she does say “I’m fine, my prince, give me her pin! That girl has a wicked sense of humor, and you just don’t deserve her. Trust me. I only want what’s best for you. Nuff said about the opening line.

Generally, if you have goofed up on your opening line, you get one of the three reactions below:

**instant deletion** **

after three years** Girl: hi

**No response**

(According to the Bro Code for the Jet Age, 2010)

The Second Rule (Duh): “SEXY” IS NOT A PHEROMONE

If you do succeed to hang in there, never use the word Sexy to describe her! Man, it doesn’t work! Unless the girl is a known slut, it doesn’t work!

What you need to do is set the mood. I mean, how smooth is this line: “hey sexy! Your dp is hot!” Compared to this: “Killer sense of humor: check. Slanty alluring eyes: check! Pouty lips: checkity check! And they said God wasn’t an artist”? Lol. And yep, for the record, I used that line on a certain beauty one time. And she joined my entourage from that day onward.

brain-breast ratio, IQ test, bro codeThe Third Rule: GAUGE THE BRAIN-BREAST RATIO

That said, please try to gauge the IQ of the chicklet before dropping your punchline. I had already assessed the IQ of the chicklet I used the above line on, and I was quite sure she’d be receptive to such intellectual “washies”. If the babe has a name like “Ify Baby” or “Nwamaka4U” or “SuzySexy” or “Biliki007”, biko bros, no dey form Shakespeare give am. Just go for simple, idiotic conversation (afterall, you too must be an idiot for taking an interest in girls with the IQ of a fridge that stopped working) which will inevitably end when the girl asks you to send her “craydit” or pay for her BIS.

The Fourth: SLAY THINE DRAGON, PALADIN!

And now, for the killer. Never rush in for the kill. We’re TIGERS here, man. We stalk the prey for as long as we can, until we are sure of the kill. Keep entertaining her. Let her begin to log in at midnight so she can chat with you alone. When this is done, the meat is almost ripe for the serving…(Or is it ready for the eating? I forget)

Ah, you have come to the end of my post. I’m sure an Emeka or two is complaining that I didn’t exactly teach them how to go about the kill step-by-step. Well, what can I say? If you can’t fill in the gaps yourself, well, I’m sincerely sorry. Really, I am.

(C) Maestro Vunderkind.

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