End of the Relationship: FOOLS’ GUIDE TO BREAKING UP WITH HER

by Vunderkind


If you blow this, you, er, well...you blow it.

If you blow this, you, er, well…you blow it.

This is decidedly the hardest thing you probably have to do, when it comes to a relationship. Eitherways, I guess you don’t really have much spine to start with, if you managed to be tied down in a “relationship”. Yuck.

Relationships (even the so-called “matches made in heaven”) can get boring with time. I mean, it’s essentially like being in the same prison with the same fricking inmate. Jeez, even Beyonce will begin to look as commonplace as genital warts if you stay with her long enough (and no, I’m not insinuating that Jay-z privately calls her “warty”).

That said, the best way to go about breaking up with a chick is by NOT ENTERING A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER IN THE FIRST FRICKING PLACE! I mean, in Section 6 of the Bro Code, it’s written clearly: The Female Organism is an object of pleasure, but not for an infinite time. What does this tell you? It’s all good, niggah, but never “put the ring on it”, unless it’s kinky sex and the “ring” is a handcuff.

However, I understand that we all make mistakes. I bet an Ekene or two have already gotten hooked up with the chick, then realized that they couldn’t go the whole nine yards. Now you guys are probably in panic mode. Awww. C’mere, sucker. Have a coffee or something, and let the bro code instruct you…

THE BREAK-UP RULES (for when you don’t know how to say “ahhh, heck, I give up. Pack your bags)

Worst Case Break-up scenario (hint: it's a murder scene, and she's not the one dead)

Worst Case Break-up scenario (hint: it’s a murder scene, and she’s not the one dead)

1. Be afraid. Be very afraid: have you ever met a banshee? Me neither. But I hear that hearing the cry of a banshee can doom you for life. Are you seeing where I’m going with this? Good boy.

There is an infinite number of possible reactions to a break-up (or the threat of it). Don’t even begin to kid yourself that she’s just the harmless girl you fell in love with. She will wreck you if you break up with her wrongly. She will DESTROY you. I mean, who else knows so much about the configuration of ur balls with such intimate detail? Exactly.

So if you want to break up with her, approach her with fear and trembling. Tell your dog you love him, send your parents “love you” flowers and let your best friend know where you are. That would make it easier for the cops to find your body.

I find that if you need to break-up, you have to do it someplace public. Never do it in her house. Jeez, it’s HER house. HER house. It’s like her very own special weapons base. Remember, she knows where the kitchen knives are. And the pepper. Or the pepper AND the salt. Oooh, nigger, don’t get me started on the hot water, the revolver, the hammer, and the rocket launcher (yes, there was this chick one time. I found a nuclear warhead in her basement. I should have suspected she’d have something like that when she told me her name was Hazmat, though).

The most important step to breaking up successfully is: Be Very Very Afraid. Approach her with much fear and trembling.

2. Tuck in the Snake: Brothers have fallen! Beware! Once a woman sees the light at the end of the tunnel dimming, she’ll get into desperate mode!

If you were in a sexless relationship with her (what kind of monster are you, anyway?), she’s likely to put the “sex” card on the table when she sees you about to take a hike out of her life. I adjure you by all things holy, abeg, don’t take it.

Sex for the ladies is what a leash is to a dog-owner. It is the ultimate tool of control. If she offers you sex directly (“let’s have sex and see if you change your mind”) or indirectly (“okay. I see. We’re broken up. But why don’t you take off your shirt? It’s kinda hot, isn’t it?”), bros, take up your bed and walk, preferably cross borders into the nearest country.

Run, nigglet, run. If you are crippled, don't even think of breaking up.

Run, nigglet, run. If you are crippled, don’t even think of breaking up.

Men (like us), by default are gentle, sensitive spirits (**cough cough**) and we find it very hard to break it off with a recent booty-offering. So, a word is enough for the bro. Be wise.

3. Closure: I see a lot of fools die by this path. It’s all good, trying to impress yourself, trying to give a chicklet closure and all that bullcrap.

There’s no such thing as closure. Girls who can’t get closure by themselves are potential stalkers, and worse, serial killers. If a girl is miserable years after you broke up with her, or she still wants to get back with you (despite the fact that you’re already happily married with three kids), omo mehn, flee!

Do not try to fraternize with the devil. Flee from all things unholy. “Unclosured” females are condensed forms of hell in portable rations. I have given my wise advice. Take it or leave it.

Hint: Take it.

(C) Maestro Vunderkind.

Advertisements