The fact that I have to write a guide for this shows how far the human race has sunk in the last – what – five minutes? Like, seriously, should you be taught how to ‘chyk’ a babe? I bestow my shame give you.
The bible says somewhere – Proverbs, I think – that you should be fruitful and multiply. The ‘tools of multiplication’ have been given to you. Yes. One in-between your thighs. The other – and the most powerful of them – in your head. I bet you are shocked. Well, if you had spent less time yanking for the wanking, you would have discovered this secret weapon called **dramatic pause** ‘THE BRAIN’
I’m going to teach you quickly how to get the chicks swooning. Biko, when it works, come back and post your testimony here to encourage your fellow comrades. Ready? **licks tortoise shell**, Feel lilaxed.
WANKERS GUIDE TO PULLING.
First, definitions are in order. “Pulling” is a word which has had a lot of definitions based on the discipline in which it was first used. It has dated as far back as the Neanderthal era when the early men used to bonk women on the head and drag them home for some Oogmoog (it is logical to assume that they couldn’t exactly pronounce ‘sex’).
The great economist, Adam Smith, once defined pulling as “the social behaviour of random genders of the two classes, the male – the puller, and the female – the pullee (from which we got the word “pulley”)”. According to him, the female had to be ‘pulled’ for “essential interactions which led to the production of certain economic goods – wanted or unwanted.” His theory was further supported by the psychologist, Sigmund Freud in his paper “Oh Shit, I Pulled My Mother!” in 1945.
Zzzzzz **cricket chirping**. Okay, I was already bored myself. Where were we? Aha, the guide.
Before You Pull, Start With Prayers:
I just saw you, Ekene, as you shouted “chei! No wonder I dey miss am since.” Exactly. Before you go out to hunt a chick in a bar, kneel down at home and ask Baba God to be “involved.” A simple prayer you can say is, “Lord God, here goeth thine pikin to fulfil your instruction to multiply. Bless my hustle. Amen.”
If you are serving a tortoise, dip your head in your toilet and die already. I’m just joking. Don’t go. Please.
Kiss your mother on the right cheek, and your aunty on the left
“But I live alone”, you say. “You are a pathetic liar”, I reply. No independent man, divorced of sagging tits would be reading a guide to pulling. Nuff said.
Branch the local toy shop and buy a mask
No, dumbass, you aren’t robbing a bank. Chances are, since you are so ugly with your own God-given face, a mask may make your chances better than if you went directly to scar an innocent chick for life with your so-called ‘face’.
**PS: Did I mention that you should leave your comic books and teddy bear at home? Shit, for God’s sake…wtf? If you want to pull, you have to ditch the batman, man**
Choosing the Pulling Zone.
This is where your age comes into play. Funnily enough, your social and financial status matters very little here. If you are young – as in really young as in your 18’s to early 20’s – a bar with older chicks is ideal for you. The reverse is true for older men.
A little disclaimer here for the so-called ‘older men’. When I say you should go for the younger chicks, I don’t mean you should go to Innocent Virginity Nursery and Primary School. Paedophile! What are you doing reading my blog anyway? You want me to call that tortoise-serving guy to lay a curse on you?
Ahem. Forgive my outburst just now. I’m just stressed. My girlfriend is pregnant, and so is her friend, and her friend’s friend whose sister might be carrying twins for me – *sniffs*.
As we were saying…okay now we’re in the chick zone. Pulling time!!
NO. No. no . . . that’s not what I meant! I thought I just defined pulling. Get your cigarette-dick back in your pants before someone sees it and dies from laughter.
The Pulling-Lines **or Pick Up lines to you**
Guys, listen! Confidence! The ladies dig confident guys! The more confident you are, the more eager they are to begin sucking it out of you at the first instant.
Use this line. I’m only going to say it once:
“Can I tickle your nipples with a feather?”
Here are her ONLY two possible replies to that: “Huh? What did you just say?” and “Yes, please!”
If she says “huh? What did you just say?” tug at your collar and reply, “I said there’s quite a trickle of people given the weather.” It should save your ass AND get you an opening line with her.
And if she says, “Yes, Please!” by all means do. You, sir, have just pulled!
You can thank me later.