Rules of Engagement II: When You Meet Her Offline for the First Time
Alright, you are here. what took you so long? Of course, it is a first post, but it is still nothing to yimu about.
You are reading this because that twitter girl has finally given you her address and you are nervous about the actual meeting. Hehehehe. wait, make I laugh small. You are finished!
Finished, I say…unless you understand the bro code. To the ladies who wonder how they should prepare to meet a guy on the first offline date, sorry. This post is for the bros alone. Maybe later, if you ask me nicely, I will write one for your kind. Bros over hoes, amigo. **Chews Moet**
Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah. The off-twitter meet-up. How to make her watery at the knees and all that bullshit. Read on. It should be fun.
Chukwudi, I see you. As the gal just talk say she wan see ya face for ground, na im you just dey run go Emeka house go borrow im three-piece suit. Nna wa o! It’s not cool, bro…
Of course, you are striving to impress. If you have a nice t-shirt, why not get it washed and ready for the day. Polish up those Aba made “Paul Smooth” shoes, and knack the akpako! Borrowing the original Paul Smith shoes and a Hugo Boss jacket to match comes with its own worries.
I have seen bros fall our collective hands just in the name of trying to make a good first impression. It’s really bad if you borrow from a guy a couple of sizes bigger than you. Na so you go be like chihuahua wey them wrap with towel. Or the shoes…slipping out of your legs at unexpected moments.
Funnily enough, the worst part is when you wear clothes a couple sizes too small. I suggest that if you must do this, ditch your handkerchief and come along with a 2-yard wrapper instead. you will need it for when you will be sweating and cursing the innocent sun. Yep, I assume you will be standing in the sun for hours before the babe show (Pssst! Hey girls who refused to stop reading this! Keeping a brova waiting for long isn’t cool you know? #GodIsWatchingYou)
Here’s the final bro code on this ish: If you must borrow, borrow a good wristwatch. If your shoes are a threat to human safety, then you probably shouldn’t have chyked the babe in the first place.
Money No Object
I really shouldn’t even be talking about this one…but as e be, some people go still fuck up, so let me clear the air (btw, who farted?)
When going on this kind of date, hold money! Chai. You are giving brothers a bad name, man… You think say she no go order much, ba? Say she go dey ‘conservative’? Miss Independent isn’t Nigerian, did you notice? My guy basketmouth said it, “An empty wallet has no right to an erection” (Note the word in bold and italics. and of course, I assume you are not just going to see her you love ‘meeting new people’).
Hold money. If she form not wanting you to spend, push her. Note: the girl who says “nothing, I’m fine” when you ask her what she wants is the one who wants to taste her first shawarma with your pocket money. Trust me.
WTF? Are those Pink Cheeks?
Brother, brother, please? Abeg abeg, mbok, mbok, DON’T thought it! Under no circumstances must you be shy! Repeat after me! I will not be shy!! We good? **adjusts jacket and sits down** good. Good. **Sips moet**
If you are the one looking down and counting your toes…**by the way, how are you seeing your toes? You should be wearing shoes, man! Kitto is unacceptable!**…damn, just take the next bike and ditch the girl. Crawl into your bed and just die. You would have slammed the brotherhood in the nuts. Be warned, we will feel it.
Get the conversation going. Be relaxed. Lean back and feel the backrest of your chair (bro tip: Don’t lean too much. You might fall off, or just look like the drooling ape you really are)
Location, location, location
Look, let’s not dwell on this too much. Meet on the moon, in a brothel or even in the market place. But the No-go area is your home!!!! She must never come to your house, you hear me??? It gets even worse if you have a room mate. Just so you know.
Is there anything else I didn’t cover here? Well, Um…lemme know. I will consult the Bro Code and give you necessary guidance. May the Bromance be with you….
(C) Chai C. Wahala