TWITCHES AWARDS ’12 (TWEETs + WITCHes)

by Vunderkind


Aww, shucks. I’m feeling sentimental.
It’s this Jesus season’s to blame. I have been sitting morosely, staring at my laptop, waiting on some news to read and blog my thoughts about.

To be fair, I did read some stories of the stupidities of mankind even in the yuletide. I read about how PHCN withheld electricity from certain parts of Nigeria probably to ‘warm’ their Christmas fowls. There was tragic news in Yobe, of a godforsaken gunman who abbreviated the lives of six people in Yobe state. I was sad. Really sad.

I read on nairaland today that the killing spree unleashed on chickens and turkeys this Christmas has resulted in a backlash: Fish is now suffering from inferiority complex.

I would very much like to recline on my chair and become your goody good armchair psychologist, telling you how your actions have made fishes everywhere doubt their very existence, but that is not the reason I’m here.

I am here to, more or less, be less of an asshole than I ordinarily am. Ladies and Gentlemen, I’ll like to present my Twitches Award ’12.

(DISCLAIMER: This post is HIGHLY subjective. If you are a stout bat in real life and I call your ‘voluptuous’, embrace your luck and keep mum. That’s how I see you. Embrace your good luck again)

Colleague of the Year:
This category is for that person who pings the heck out of me in the morning, sometimes waking me up when I swore not to go to work that day. Thanks to her, I have a perfect attendance record (I might have even gotten to work by 3am TWICE because of her) and she happens to share my tastes in M.I. Abaga’s Illegal Music 2.                                                   ———–>>>>@MissyJade_S
Obonte Of the Year
Yes, Obonte is a title. I don’t know what it means, though, but Nigerian parlance has a way of making a never-before-heard esoteric statement sound like an insult. Well, this one does sound like an insult to me (and if I find out in the future that it means something like “Blessed Patriot”, there will be a review). He was my roomie for four years (painfully), we ate from the same plate (I missed my opportunity to poison him), and he calls himself Cho Cho. Sigh. ————>>>@eokelue1
Star-Crossed Lover of the Year:
No, dumb-ass, I don’t mean we’re lovers or any of that mushy stuff. We’re just two out of a category of exceptional peeps. Yeah, we are Martians by birth. I use “Martian” loosely to refer to awesome people born in March. She’s a Uniben hottie, too, and in final year as well. Her future is bright. Put a ring on it ASAP (Bro tip: If you are a musical artiste, or aspire to be one, don’t let her know. She’s not a big fan of dating le Chris Browns) ——>>>@justobaro2fine

Musical Artiste of the Year
——–>>>>@Tontolet
(Just Kidding)

Blog Fan of the Year
Y’all are fans, but I hope you understand. This fyn geh (you are free to set p with her, but ask for my blessings first) has made her way from post to post on me blog and commented. I love her. Too bad she’s married. She’s on twitter too….
——->>>@seraonyii

I don't need to tell you "why so serious?" is a rhetorical question

I don’t need to tell you “why so serious?” is a rhetorical question

Le Joker of the Year
True, it was only on Christmas day I discovered he had a face. He has a thing for the joker’s stitched face and creepy paints. Luckily for him, he has a bad-ass sense of humor and a radical blog #Here. Women, meet your man. Man, meet your…er…women?
@TheBawdyPaet

The Only Uniben Blogger I know..Personally!
Ah, yes. I had to even the balance. There was becoming too much estrogen and too little testosterone on this blog. I have to give it up for the CEO of Naija Dude enterprises (as I like to call him). He’s not a cool dude, though to be honest. He’s nasty. He literally took the skirts of the typical Uniben dude, lifted it for the breeze to waft around our unguarded genitals and expose our innermost thoughts. Yeah, his blog has got a lot of dirt on us Unibenites (luckily I’m a veteran)
@volturi_lord

Note: these skills are self-taught

Note: these skills are self-taught

Vampire Cat of the Year
LOL. No, literally. She’s a cat, and she’s a vampire. I love this girl (I know I will pay for this statement), and she’s been around my blog sometimes. She’s more of the Facebook girl. She’s got an engaging personality, and has become one of my best companions. But beware the cat.
——–>>>@mulicatichuks

Panda of the Year

The facial expression is accurate. He might be slightly handsomer than this though...

The facial expression is accurate. He might be slightly handsomer than this though…

Literally. He’s the Kung Fu Panda. But he’s my friend, alongside the one I should have poisoned years ago. He’s a ichthyophile (he has “special feelings” for fishes). Maybe I should have poisoned him too, but the stress of having to drag him all the way to the grave I dug in the backyard just wasn’t worth it. What can I say? @pheal101

Frenemy of the Year
I never thought I’ll have one of these, but I guess there indeed is a santa. She says she hates me because I’m too sarcastic (plus I think that one time I ended up drunk in her presence may also be a factor). Oh well, I’ll console myself in the saying that open hatred is hidden love. I’ve got my eyes on you, dahling (see? I didn’t use sarcasm at all!). ——->>@pinkylucious

Critic of Life
He just came into one of my posts and began to chide me about the “poor taste” with which I “reported” the Black Face story. I Laughed my guts out. I mean, nothing on this blog is meant to be taken seriously – if I ever gave you the impression that I’m a serious blogger, well, ahem. Just ahem…still, he’s a senior colleague, and a homie. Much love, amigo. ———>>>>@einsteinesegbue

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Jeez! This was the hardest thing I have ever had to type in my entire life! Let’s forget this ever happened and look forward to the new year.

Those of you who won awards, see my psychiatrist for your plaques.

**PS: those of you who checked earlier and only found a short, awardless post, mea culpa. It was the handiwork of the aforementioned “Twitches”. They seem to have had a post-boxing-day coven-tion last night. Thanks to Santa (who came to die for our gifts #StolenFromBoondocks), well, the full award is finally on!

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