How to Tell If Your Guy Is Gay
Well, Hello! Who would have thought I would be writing a post for the lady folk this year? Well, shit happens, and this is mine.
I recall a not-so-proud moment in my life when a guy ‘toasted’ me. Jeez, I was getting free recharge cards from the guy (who thought he was doing a good job at being anonymous) before I decided that I loved the current tightness of my anal sphincter, and I terminated it before things got less than “brotherly”.
I am going to write two articles. This is the first one, and it’s for the girls. If you find yourself in a relationship with a guy you’re beginning to suspect is gay, here are some pointers to help you put that doubt to rest.
In the second post, I’ll be offering my bros tips on discovering if they are gay.
It is better for ‘us’ to discover ‘we’ are gay before entering a relationship with a girl and putting her through undeserved misery.
Ah, I’m becoming a softie, caring about the female emotion and all that crap.
“Dr. Justin, Is My Boyfriend Gay?”
If you have to question your man’s sexuality, he’s very likely gay. I’m just saying. On the other hand, he could just be an all-round good guy who has shunned girls and decided to have just you and his handful of suspiciously pretty and muscle-bound friends around. Hehe.
Here are the pointers, in no particular order, to finding out if you are dating a wide-bottomed man.
1. He thinks Justin Bieber is the best thing since Agbalumo Juice: Before you start hating on me, remember my name is Justin, so I’ve got no beef for that kid. If your boyfriend is consistently listening to Justin Bieber’s songs, has Justin Bieber’s photo (even one is enough) in his picture folder or (much worse) has ever had Justin Bieber on his wallpaper, well, sis, I’m sorry. That dude just don’t swing the way you swingin’
2. He has a pink singlet: I am so horrified, I won’t even talk about that one.
3. He thinks Teddy Bears are Cute: Wait, hold up. In all fairness, some clarification is needed here. If a guy buys his lady a teddy bear, allows her to name it after him (I’ve seen a Teddy Bear called Tubosun), and gets laid as a result of all his labour, I say Oh Goody! It’s when you go to his room and find a teddy (again, even one is enough) that you should be worried. Even if he has none, but is strangely attached to YOUR own teddy bear, saying stuff like “look at the eyes”, “oooh, the fur is so sooooffffttt”, sister, he’s dead to you.
4. He’s “Keeping” Himself: Hehehe. I’ll tread softly here. I might be castrated for this. When a straight guy says he’s keeping himself for his babe, the ACTUAL translation is: My babe doesn’t want to do it, and because I love her, I’ll just have to manage with my blue balls. If YOUR BOYFRIEND is the one telling you he’s keeping himself (using church as the fall-guy), babe, begin to tremble. It’s not conclusive proof of his gayhood, but if he tests positive for any of the other qualities mentioned in this post (at least two is enough), I say the shit hit the fan, ricocheted off the flat screen tv, and hugged the Jacuzzi.
5. He doesn’t find Denrele remotely offensive.
6. He doesn’t find Charly Boy remotely offensive.
7. He LOOOoooOOOves Fashion: And we’re not talking Hugo Boss Suits and Ray Bans. He has a less than healthy interest in briefs, underwear and color blocking – sister, I am available.
8. He gets a Boner when taking a dump: Of course, he won’t tell you if this happens, but you could make ‘accidental’ appearances at the loo to “catch” him. Listen for tell-tale groans and moans when he’s in there.
9. He Keeps Malice: If, after quarelling with you (or with other people), he keeps malice, sister, that niggah’s almost gay (if he tests positive for any two of the above points, he’s full-time Gabriel
10. You Catch him in bed banging another Guy: I promise you, they’re not practicing their yoga.
Of course, this list is not exhaustive. I’m not gay myself: how should I know
everything? If I left anything out, lemme know. And if you find out that your handsome Femi is gay, call me. I can arrange your redeployment to a suitable male.
Ah, don’t thank me. It’s the least I can do. Literally.