Blue Balls and Angry Vaginas: Fact or Fiction?

by Vunderkind


Baby, you've gotta help me out here!

Baby, you’ve gotta help me out here!

There has been a lot of controversy about the blue ball syndrome or blue balliosis as it is called in the Urban Dictionary , and if you are a real guy (with one sausage and two meatballs), you should listen read up.

What is Blue Balls, first of all? I went around to Urban Dictionary, and got this definition: “Blue Balls is when a guy says his balls are in extreme pain because he cant cum . WHICH THE WORD BLUE BALLS IS A STRAIGHT UP BULLSHIT LIE just to get in girls pants”

Ahem. Okay. That was a pretty retarded definition (what do you expect? It’s American), but I hope you got the idea. When you are dry-humping the Miss, and you don’t splurge, you get blue balls. Given that we are Nigerians here though -and unable to change skin color – it may be worth an experiment to find out if our balls actually turn blue. But that’s just me thinking out loud.

Is Blue Balls Real?

This is the first question. A lot of guys (bless them) have gotten laid just by groaning “Ow, ow, I got blue balls. It hurts. I gotta do it with you right now, or I’ll burst my sac”. God bless the chicks that fall for this too. The question is: is blue balls a fact or a myth created to help our lesser brethren get some action? For a list of sex-related myths, watch out for our article on the G-spot, head-aches, and Just the tip.

From extensive research carried out before writing this (stop coughing), we can now conclusively say that blue balls does exist, but it does not affect every male. So if you do not get the nut-crushing pain whenever your girl restricts you to a dry-hump, don’t think yourself less of a man though you may just be a very efficient wanker

Can a Guy Die From Blue Balls?

Because I am very conscientious by nature (no, really), I went right out and got a professional in this business. Guess who I got? That’s right. I got a girl. It’s only a girl that knows how it’s like when a guy grips her mid-dry-hump and whispers urgently “Ouch! Baby, you don’t know how it feels right now. I have blue balls. You’ve gotta have sex with me or I’ll die!” I just got a number of girl-readers to roll their eyes just now, didn’t I?

Blue is the new color of pain

Blue is the new color of pain

First of all, no. A guy cannot die from blue balls. We checked. We did find out though this interesting tid-bit: if you ride your man too hard, blow him too hard, or whatever him too hard, you can literally ‘break’ his penis, and it would turn bluish. This is NOT blue balls. It’s just the result of your over-excitement Get a grip. It’s flexible not immortal

If, in the course of animalistic rough barbaric sex, your guy’s balls slam repeatedly against you, it may result in the balls turning slightly off-colour. This is NOT blue balls. Are we clear? Good.

What Causes Blue Balls?

Ah, here is the science-y bit. I got together a group of high-intellect professionals (actually, they’re just my drinking buddies who wore lab coats and glasses, but hey) and we analysed the issue (hehe. ‘anal’yzed.)

Our subject of interest: The Causal Factors of Blue Balls and its implication on Colonization of the Bushmen of Certain Non-irrigated parts of Namibia. We would give you the .pdf document of our research, but you probably won’t get it. (We don’t either, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Incidentally, being ‘too hard on yourself’ is one of the reasons for blue balls.)

When a guy gets ‘happy’, blood flows to his joystick (as they say on Nairaland) and it gets stiff. Yes, dum-dum, there’s no bone in boner. It’s all blood. As a man gets more and more excited, the pressure of the blood builds up in the penis, and causes pain if it is not let up as soon as possible through sexual activity.

Again, we would like to point out that this (blue balls) doesn’t happen in all cases to guys.

How to Cure Blue Balls

Have sex ASAP if you feel blue balls coming on. If there’s no willing partner, wank stop looking like you don’t already do that.

How about women? Do they have Blue Balls Too?

Finally! This is the part I have been waiting for. It is not fair that brothers should suffer this alone, right?

Well, good news: girls do have blue balls too! I know you’re shocked. You’re wondering how you managed to spend 30 40 20-something 50 years of your life without knowing this secret about girls. Well, allow me submit before the house that women are secretive, conniving creatures who have hidden a lot of secrets from us including the actual whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden (who is alive and well, by the way).

Erm. Back to what I was saying originally. TheFrisky.com  has this to say: Pink and blue balls are terms technically known as vasoconstriction. This is when a male or female gets excited and blood rushes down to the genital area causing the swelling of tissues due to increased blood flow. This swelling causes the penis to become erect and the vagina to become aroused. The uncomfortable feeling that a man refers to as blue balls occurs when he doesn’t ejaculate and the blood doesn’t return to its normal blood flow and the tissues don’t go back to normal size quickly. He’s left with an uncomfortable feeling of built-up pressure in the genital area. Well, women get this feeling too when we don’t orgasm.

Baby you got me bad bad...

Baby you got me bad bad…

Now I have this to say. Pink balls, Angry vagina, Bluegina, Blue belly and Violet Vulva are all synonyms for the “blue ball” syndrome for women. This is what results when a guy has sex with a girl and doesn’t bring her to “heaven”. She sits there with a real heaviness, throbbing and her heart racing. She feels the heaviness mixed with the strong tinge of disappointment. If you (a guy) have ever given a girl pink balls, you deserve to die and to be sodomized by three sexually active gorillas and Big Foot

Parting question to the readers: a certain guy described blue balls like this: it’s just like menstrual pain for guys, but without the blood. Do you agree? Let Dr. Justin know.

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