Ladies: How You Can Be Sexy in the Nude

by Vunderkind


Her: I will now proceed to do a strip-tease for youHim: Is there a nearby gun I can quickly borrow?

Her: I will now proceed to do a strip-tease for you
Him: Is there a nearby gun I can quickly borrow?

At the risk of beginning to sound a tad pervy in my blog posts, I would like to once again speak to the lady folks. We have been receiving a lot of mails on the Dr. Justin Mailbox (that really exists) on this issue, and we can no longer evade the subject.

Sigh. Tough job, but someone’s got to do it.

Women, have you ever felt self-conscious when exposing your bodies to your men? We have discovered that 57.2324% (actual statistical figures because I am so accurate) of women who say “no sex until marriage” only say this because they fear that they look like Snoop Dogg’s Baggy trousers in the nude. How…sad, hey? This is a real fear. A lot of ladies will read this blog post with much conviction (please, comment – you can comment anonymously, you know) seeking for a solution to their state.

You know Rick Ross, right? That niggah can look all kinds of classy – right until he takes off his shirt. When he does, you’d want to run for the fire escape, the balcony, the chimney, the gas chamber – anywhere just to be far from that nigger. Alas, he tends to take off his clothes quite often.

So, Ladies, rejoice. If you have ever closed your eyes when passing a mirror in the nude (let’s not mention that one embarrassing time when the mirror shattered), if you have never gone skinny-dipping or bikini-flaunting (how can you, when you ain’t skinny by a long mile?) or if you have ever cried to the lord for a better body, Dr. Justin is here to make the pain all go away.

Yes, if you find yourself hating on slim models for no reason, you may just not be proud of your body. I have spent some time in the laboratory (no, really), and I have just what you need. Grab a bag of chips (on second thought, maybe you should take diet coke instead) and let’s get cracking.

1. Break into a Sweat: What? You didn’t expect me to start with this point? C’mon. Let’s be realistic. They haven’t made the machine that you can just walk into, and come out all shapely in a matter of minutes (hmmm. Business idea). If you want the body you have always dreamed of, sister, you have to work out. Go do some exercise, please. And lay off the chocolates.

2. Let Water be your New Vodka: I’m not implying you drink or anything, but could you improve your water intake level? Scientifically, you rehydrate your skin by drinking lots of water, and it helps get rid of those zebra thingies (medically called stretch marks) and gives you a lickable skin. Try it. You’ll thank me later. And maybe reward me with a few licks infact.

A little test to see if you are drinking enough water: is your urine yellow? Shit, if yes, drink up! Be thirsty!

3. Thou shalt moisturize thineself: If you have reptilian skin (you know the kind: scaly and easily peeling off), no dude likes that. If he tells you he does, he’s lying. Exfoliate from time to time. If you don’t know what exfoliate means, Jesus, why are you still reading

What do you mean you are no longer in the mood?

What do you mean you are no longer in the mood?

this?

4. Mrs GoodLuck Jonathan, Dame Patience: Yes, Patience is the key. Don’t apply these tips and expect to be Agbani in the morning. That will be just cruel, and may cause suicidal tendencies in you (although if you do plan to commit suicide, call me. The police pays me well for autopsies)

5. Love thine body as you envy Rihanna’s: This is a new commandment. Of course, it’s pretty difficult to do, since you can literally fan six people with your stomach, but try. If you can love your body, your goodwill towards yourself will make people love it too. And also give you the strength to continue perfecting yourself. It’s something I read about psychology before dropping out.

6. Swag Up the Booty: Being naked is not just about dropping cloth fiaaa. You’ve gotta swag it up for your man. Apply a little make-up (no use am paint bedsheet sha) and other things to make your naked body be like that of a goddess.

7. Oooooh, the aroma: The scent of a naked woman combines with her form to create a figure of sexiness (take my word for it, I’m a guy). Sprinkle small perfume around your ears, and around er, ah, **cough** those other parts of your body that ‘pulsate’.

8. Back to school: Learn a couple of sexy moves, baby. Learn to catwalk or do a lap dance. I swear, you could get a guy all riled up, he won’t even be seeing the body that clearly (See our Blue Balls article)

9. Costuming is What Makes Superman look Gay and Batman look Bad-ass: It’s all in the gift-wrapping, chickito. Get the right kind of negliges and lingeries, and all what-nots that throw off your body in the right light. The allure would be off the hook, I swear (are doctors allowed to do that? Swear, I mean? I guess we are. We did take an oath of whatsit that one time)

That’s it. Basically. I hope I have been able to confuse convince you that you too can be sexy in the nude.

PS: As a reward for my selfless service, you can send me before and after photos when it works 😀 (I’m too kind)

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