How do I start this? I’ve been writing, tearing up and re-writing alternate openings for this blog post, and none of them so far have appealed to me. Alas, I have to do a Valentine piece (it’s tradition, and I secretly fear I may never find love if I don’t), so here goes…
A minute’s silence for the fallen comrades, brave men of the brotherhood who once fought gallantly for the Bromance. These men shunned women and participated in our proud heritage of sexism, brash witticism, ribald jokes and ogling. Alas, these men are no more. They have fallen in the field of battle, taken captive by the jaunty steps of women. Now they trudge about like zombies, awaiting St. Valentine’s day. In the meantime, they allow the girls make them up indoors (they’ll never admit it though), watch Vampire Diaries (the horror), Twilight (even worse) or Titanic (someone please shoot me).
Still, brethren, we must be strong. Our ranks are thinning. More men are going to be lost to us today, and we shall mourn them, too. However, brethren, I am not here to cry. I am not here to weep the loss of strong, virile men whose pastime was to watch football, re-enact same on PlayStation and challenge each other at alcohol drinking. I am not here to decry the numerous BIS our brethren have been paying for the enemy camp. Rather, I am here to give safety advice.
If we must fall, we must fall honorably.
One: Never Enter a Relationship in the New Year
Of course, it’s too late to be sounding this warning right now, but I guess you need it for the future. A girl who suddenly dates you in January is not a stroke of luck; she’s a modern day Nostradamus! She has seen the future! As a matter of fact, don’t date until Feb 15th. To be doubly sure though, wait until March.
Two: Don’t even share a bus seat with a girl born on Feb. 14th
There is much evil afoot, brethren! We must gird the breastplate of foreknowledge! Have you ever tried to organize a girl’s birthday party before? You have? (I blink in shock. Sacrilege!). Well, I haven’t. But I hear it is damn expensive. Cake, dresses and shoes, taxi cabs, movie tickets, eateries, wine, music for friends, food for friends, did I mention dresses and shoes? Now ADD a Birthday celebration AND a Valentine ‘surprise’ to your budget and you’re seeing yourself in worse financial sorrows than Zimbabwe (psst. Zimbabwe has only $217 in the treasury as we speak)
Three: Ghost Mode should be the motto
This is no time to be sending “PING!” on BBM. Neither is it a time to “@” anyone on Twitter. Brethren of the Bromance (No Bromosexuality), as a first aid maneuver, you are cordially advised to reduce your online visibility approximately two weeks before Valentine. The more they think you are dead, the better for you.
Brethren, it is with a heavy heart I announce that I have come to the end of the post. This meeting has ended. Please wait a while. Let the day get dark a little bit. Then we can sneak in the shadows and return home without being assaulted by those…those…**shudders** this Valentine.
I wish you luck. You will need it. If you make it, we’ll have another Valentine Defense meeting here again, come next year.
This time, bring your own beers.