Goldie’s Cold Valentine: Suggestions for Shooting the Blogger

by Vunderkind


DISCLAIMER: This post has been written under conditions of anger, provocation and sheer emotionality. The author reserves the right to revoke any/every statement here, although it is highly unlikely. This is the opinion of the author. Quote anything here at your own risk. Some of us are not Linda Ikejis. Some of us like to do things right.

The most serious things always start like a joke. Remember the Aluu killings? Exactly. That one too started like a joke. There were talks of a video of students burning at a school and it took us two or three days to finally ‘react’ to the horror. Again, just like a joke, I see on Twitter that Goldie is dead.

Before I continue, let me take pains to say here that I have NEVER fancied Goldie. I neither liked nor hated her music. I never watched her on Big Brother Africa. In other words, I never gave a f**k about her and the things she did. It’s not beef. No. Far from it. Anyone who knows anything about not giving a f**k would understand that one of the tenets of not giving a f**k is that you CANNOT even have beef. Having beef is too much work for a non-fuck giver.

Having said this, I would like to say that when Linda Ikeji suddenly posted the ‘news’ that Goldie died, I was pissed. I actually gave a fuck. I will give reasons for my reaction.

First, she released the ‘news’ (I put it in quotes because I loathe to use that word to classify what she does) based on one phone call (from Denrele, presumably). There was no suitable verification, no contact to parents or any due protocol. Bam. I can imagine her tapping her foot as she impatiently boots her laptop, finger clacking manically, trying to bring us fresh news of doom.

You do not call anything coming from Linda Ikeji’s blog ‘news’, even if they are factual or not. Anything coming from that ‘blog’ should and must be treated with the same attitude as a HAZMAT. A pinch of salt, people, until verifiable by other news agencies.

This brings me to another issue. What/who are our reputable news agencies? What exactly do they do? Two hours after the first rumors – with the pathetic bloggers copying and pasting Madam Linda’s post onto their own sites to share of the national “traffic: – there was NO news report from a reputable agency. What the f**k is that? People were flying blind, depending on esoteric tweets from Don Jazzy, Eva Alordiah et al for confirmation. I fear to think what would happen if people were being systematically killed off in some part of Nigeria. Or if the zombie apocalypse were to take place here. We would ride the bus with a zombie bus driver at the wheels, oblivious to our destruction.

Someone said on Twitter: Medi(a)ocrity. That’s just the word for what happened today. I am deeply ashamed. Nobody forced you lackeys to open news agencies, but now that you have, deliver, mehn! There’s no room for mediocrity in this day and age!

And now to the Twitter buffoons. I saw certified fools tweet. God. One said that “that hoe Goldie died before unblocking me.” – @Sirtymix. Needless to say, that fool is still alive and sharing oxygen with you and I.

Ah, yes. The dramatis personae on twitter. Now, I am not saying some people are not genuinely distraught, but almost all of the tweets I saw today were from hypocrites. People who booed and decried Goldie’s and Prezzo’s romantic stunts. Now they come crying, and they do it on twitter. Humbug, if you really want to do some crying, log off twitter and go hug a pillow! If you really want to cry, light a candle. Shut the doors. Cross yourself. Do the Ave Maria. Don’t whine on Twitter. You are nothing but a thirsty individual (I would say bitch, but some of you are guys).

And some people (celebs, even) say they’re close to Goldie, and they spent all day (night) tweeting their “OMGrestyoursoulIcantbelieveyouredead”. WTF? Is something wrong here? Am I the only person seeing this?

When the zombie apocalypse happens, zombies are going to be really disappointed at how many people walk about without brains.

Let me reiterate that I do not give a fuck. I am not hypocritical in that regard. However, I think Goldie deserves a lot more than what has been dished so cruelly to her (if she is actually dead) tonight. Her death was reported with the cold, callous, clinical detachment of a bloodless reptile.

Goodnight/good morning.

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