Birthday Interview with Brandy

by Vunderkind


Narrator: We decided to do a special segment on Vunder! TV for the birthday of Justin the Vunderkind.

Ladies and Gentlemen, let us give a standing ovation for him!

Hip!!!! hip!!! hip!!!! Hooray…. Happy Birthday Justin.

Okay. Now he’s seated. It’s time for us to talk with the dude.

Interviewer: Good afternoon, Mr. Justin.

Justin: Good afternoon, random, nameless and totally made-up interviewer! How are you doing today?

Interviewer: I’m fine, bro.

Justin: …

Interviewer: …

Justin: Bro?

Interviewer: …

Justin: You’re male?

Interviewer: Erm…yes. Why?

Justin: ah. Heck. This is what happens when I’m left to create the character to interview me! Go. Leave me. Someone call me Brandy.

*Brandy walks in*

Brandy: Hi, Justin!

Justin: H-hey Brandy!

Brandy: Happy Birthday….!

Justin: Thanks Darling. It’s good to have you interviewing me, you know?

Brandy: Really? Wow. How so?

Justin: Well…ah, this is embarrassing.

Brandy: Speak, Mortal!

Justin: Okay. You see, you used to be a celebrity crush in my early years

Brandy: awww…that’s so sweet…hey! – wait.
I used to be a celebrity crush? Why did I stop being a crush?

Justin: erm. Well, you got married. That would have been cheating.

Brandy: Oh. Good excuse. It’s better than saying you exchanged me for Kim Kardashian.

Justin: *vomits on studio mixer* sorry.

(Richard Mofe Damijo and Frank Edoho hurry to clean up the mixer)

Justin: Sorry ’bout that guys.

RMD & Edoho: We totally understand, man.

Brandy: Okay, Justin. How has your day been so far?

Justin: Well. I slept in and when I woke up, I was flooded with messages from lovely people. I can confidently say I may have wept a little.

Brandy: Wow. Any special treats?

Justin: sigh. One of my “well-wishers” asked me for a gift. On my birthday. Where’s the love? Anyway, I had bread, butter and tea from the Camp Kitchen. I sliced d bread with my spoon and blew on the hot tea, imagining I was blowing on the candles of my birthday cake.

Brandy: Oooh. Awwww. That’s so sad.

(Justin, Brandy, RMD and Frank Edoho all hug and weep in unison)

Justin: *sniff* It’s all gone now. I will look on to the future a stronger man now.

Brandy: I’m sorry to hear this, sweetheart.

Justin: You could make it up to me, you know? All it takes is a kiss…

Brandy: …

Justin: …

Brandy: No.

Justin: Sigh. I get full marks for attempt, anyways.

Brandy: So, we hear you can be wildly inappropriate atimes

Justin: So I hear too.

Brandy: I have never seen you wildly inappropriate.

Justin: that’s because everything you’ve heard is malicious slander intended to tarnish my surprisingly good reputation.

Brandy: Well, you put your point so convincingly.

Justin: Talking about points, I saw a lady with twelve breasts yesterday.

Brandy: WTF? That sounds weird!

Justin: It does, dozen tit?

Brandy: I saw what you did there.

Justin: Heehee.

Brandy: But what is the connection between “points” and “twelve breasts”

Justin: *shrugs* Nipples point forward, don’t they?

Brandy: *sighs*

Justin: On the subject of points still, I will like to use this medium to warn the general public about the prevalence of fake products in the market!

Brandy: Let us hear ’em.

Justin: imagine. I bought a ball-point pen last week and –

Brandy: It doesn’t write well?

Justin: No, no, it does.

Brandy: …

Justin: What I’m saying that this ball-point pen hasn’t pointed to my balls since I bought it.

Brandy: *mock shocked expression* REALLY, JUSTIN?

Justin: *straight face* Seriously. Sigh.

Brandy: I can see how you’re not wildly inappropriate at all.

Justin: *spreads hands and stares into the camera* You see, viewers! THANK YOU!!

Brandy: *sigh* So what is your favorite sexual position?

Justin: The one where I’m not caught.

Brandy: Har Har. Very funny.

Justin: It is? I got shot in the thigh the last time.

Brandy: Okay

Justin: Missed my bollocks by inches.

Brandy: OKAYYYY it’s enough Justin!

Justin: You sure?

Brandy: Yes!

Justin: Okay. You could have said.

Brandy: I’m sorry for yelling at you.

Justin: Nah. I’m just thinking about Yoruba people and their yelling.

Brandy: Explain for the audience, please?

Justin: The other day I was walking down the road and saw two Yoruba women with babies on their backs screaming at the top of their lungs.

Now, I don’t understand the language, but there were shouts of “WO!”, “GBA!”, “SHO!”, “AH!” And “OOH!!!”

Suddenly, one of the women ran inside and brought out a bottle and started rushing towards the other woman.

In panic, I caught the woman with the bottle and spoke calmly and rationally “take it easy ma’am. No need for violence. What did she do to you?”

And she was like “what are you saying? I just want to buy groundnut oil from her.”

Brandy: Justin.

Justin: Brandy?

Brandy: I think it’s time for you to go home.

Justin: My mommy said I can sleep one hour later today (˘̯˘ ) it’s my birthday.

Brandy: Go. Now. Leave!

Justin: No!

Brandy: I quit!

Justin: Fine.

Justin: I don’t care.

*Brandy leaves*

Justin: *yelling* I lied about you being my celebrity crush!

Justin: It’s actually Kim Kardashian!!!!

*RMD and Frank Edoho vomit backstage*

Justin: Brandy? Come back. Please.

*sniff* Happy Birthday to me.

THE END.

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