The Side Dude Gene (Part One)

by Vunderkind


Side Dude Hustles
(Camera ‘unfades’ from black to show Dr. Justin squinting into a microscope)

Dr. Justin: Good morning, and welcome to another therapy session with your favorite Dr.! It’s been a long break, yeah? Well, we’re back (that’s what matters) on another episode of this nameless program, and we are going to deal with a common but well-hidden problem.

With me is Mr. Quicksilver, a name which you’ll find ironic by the time we’re done.

(Camera pans right, to reveal Mr. Quicksilver: a smiling, jovial guy with brown eyes. He looks just like everybody’s favorite uncle)

Dr. Justin: Dude

Quicksilver: Hey, man. Nice, um, glasses?

Dr. Justin: *Sigh* you don’t have to compliment me, man.

Quicksilver: I don’t? Whew. OK.

Dr. Justin: …

Quicksilver: …

Dr. Justin: Stop doing that.

Quicksilver: Doing…what, exactly *grunts inaudibly*

Dr. Justin: (sighs) What you’re doing. I know the table’s shielding you from the camera, but, dude, have the decency to pause for some minutes. At least until the show’s over.

Quicksilver: hrrrrrm! *splat*

Dr. Justin: (sighs again) too late. And that was a new handkerchief.

Quicksilver: I’m sorry, mahn. My Dr. diagnosed me with this thing called Spermatic Accumulation Disorder (S.A.D) and I need to ‘manually’ reduce the build-up or my testicles will explode.

Dr. Justin: WTF? I’m a doctor, dude! You think that’s really gonna work with me?

Quicksilver: It was worth a shot (shrugs).

Dr. Justin: You’re fricking disgusting. Let’s continue with the show.

Dr. Justin: Viewers, a few weeks ago (after intense hours in the laboratory doing groundbreaking ‘sciencey’ research and definitely NOT trying to make Pokémon out of squirrels) I was able to isolate a peculiar gene from Mr. Quicksilver here, which, upon further analysis (he he, ‘anal’ysis) was found to be quite rampart in some members of the prevalent male homo sapiens population. Ladies and gentlemen….(Dr. Justin pauses) ahem. LADIES and GENTLEMEN!!!!…..(he pauses again)

Excuse me for a minute. (Dr. Justin strolls off, and drags back a scrawny kid clutching drumsticks.)

Drummer Boy: I’m sorry, Dr. Justin. I slept off.

Dr. Justin: (sigh) I’m just keeping you on because your mum is a good friend. Now go and do your job.

Dr Justin: (turns and faces the camera again) Sorry about that viewers.

Ahem. Ladies and Gentlemen (side glance)

Drummer Boy: (drumroll)

Dr. Justin: I present to you…

Drummer Boy: (drum roll)

Dr. Justin: The SDG!!!!!

Drummer Boy: (drum roll)

Dr. Justin: Now this SDG is short for –

Drummer Boy: (drum roll)

Dr. Justin: This SDG is actually an acronym –

Drummer Boy: (drum roll)

Dr. Justin: Arrrgh! (Runs off again)

(Backstage: there is a smack, a bloodcurdling scream, and the drum roll stops)

(Dr. Justin returns)

Dr Justin: I APOLOGIZE, VIEWERS. AGAIN!

Quicksilver: Hey, man. What’s that red stuff on your coat?

Dr. Justin: (looks down) Red wha…oh. Oh. That’s…ketchup.

Quicksilver: Okay. Cool.

Dr. Justin: Moving on. The SDG is an acronym I made up for the Side Dude Gene, a lethal gene that is present in various forms of men. While there may not be empirical means of testing out the presence of this latent gene, one can find the gene display itself in various scenarios.

Quicksilver: Wait. Hold up.

Dr. Justin: What?

Quicksilver: You discovered this gene, right?

Dr. Justin: Yeah?

Quicksilver: So, what you’re saying is, you had ABSOLUTE freedom to name this gene, and SDG was all you could come up with? Really?

Dr. Justin: (sigh) Dude. Someone looked at an insect, saw it flying, and named it ‘fly’.

Quicksilver: Good point. Carry on.

Dr. Justin: As I was saying, good people. This gene right here manifests itself quite early in the life of kids. As a matter of fact, in kindergarten. A typical SDG trait occurs in boys that give their sweets or toys to girls. These boys usually begin crying when the girl takes the sweets and/or toys and shares with some other boy.

Quicksilver: (Sniffs) the bitch!

Dr. Justin: While almost every girl has the Side Chick Gene, the Side Dude Gene is exclusive to some guys. Right now, we are going to discuss the basic physical features of a typical side dude. Could you please stand up for the audience, Mr. Quicksilver?

Quicksilver: Um…now?

Dr. Justin: Yes. Now.

Quicksilver: (muffled zip sound) Okay.

Dr. Justin: -_- You were doing it again, weren’t you? (sigh) Anyway, observe people. (Switches on laser pointer)

First the face. Observe closely. Side dudes usually have broad, expressive faces (think Barney and you’ve got it) and they tend to smile a lot. Most times, they give the illusion of having more than 32 teeth due to their broad grins.

The shoulders. Side dudes usually have wide shoulders that are slumped from years of heavily-braided women weeping on them after break-ups. They make suitable crying surfaces, nothing more. In unrelated events, Side Dudes do tend to have a lot of shirts faded at the shoulders.

The chest. Side dudes are never muscular. Some are fat, but the majority of those suffering with SDG have smooth, hairless chests with suggestions of a ‘chest’. Six packs and SDGs don’t mix. In rare cases where a Side Dude has six packs, he usually dies of cancer.

Groin. Ah, yes. A close inspection of the groin of the side dude (may I add at this point that I did inspect the groin of Mr. Quicksilver, but it was all in the interest of science, and I am not actually gay?) reveals intense activity. There is a lot of hand-to-hand ‘resuscitation’ for most side dudes, and the ones who don’t favor getting in touch with themselves usually have ‘women of the night’ on call. It’s a very aggressive gene, this SDG.

You may return to your seat, Mr. Quicksilver.

(Dr. Justin stares, blinks at the camera) We shall return after a quick commercial break.

Gracias.

(Camera fades to black. Mr. Quicksilver grunts again.)

Advertisements