It happened so fast.
I was standing close to a shop, eyes half-shut as I imagined the series of possible orgasms I could have from just having that Zara handbag across my shoulders. I didn’t mind that I was outside, or that the attendant was glancing suspiciously at me as she dialed the police, probably.
I was lost in this dream world. I just knew I had to have this. With this handbag, all my life troubles would be over. I would find a guy who admired it; he would propose to me, we would get married and honeymoon in Honolulu.
I saw the Mack truck before I heard it. It had veered sharply off the road, and was charging at full power towards the shop – and, unfortunately, me. I heard the attendant shrieking like crazy, and I saw my soul in hell.
Suddenly, I was no longer there.
I cannot even tell you how it happened, but the truck crashed into the shop, but I was suddenly a couple feet away from the crash. I had felt the quick-as-a-flash-jerk as someone carried me away.
He had been so fast, it wasn’t humanly possible.
I squinted up to see who my savior was when to my surprise, I saw…I saw an oyinbo!
Foine boi. He had brown hair, green eyes and freckles. Jesus, he was almost as fine as that Zara bag!
“Thank…thank you, sir,” I was still dizzy.
“Not a problem, Miss..?” he had a question in his face.
“Wow. A bimbo.” He pronounced it beembow, which would have been offensive on a good day, but…oyinbo mehn!
“Wow,” I managed to put in that American-ish gasp I practiced from years of watching High School Movies. “Wow. That was fast. How did you get there in time to get me out of there?”
He smiled the cutest whitey smile and said, “how about I explain my technique over a drink?”
I couldn’t disagree. I mean…oyinbo mehn!
“So, your name is?” I asked as I sipped sweetly on my Smirnoff ice.
“Peter. Peter Parker. It’s swell to meet you, Beembow.”
I squinted and winked. “Haha. Just like Spiderman.”
He chuckled. “Actually, I am Spiderman.”
I laughed and fell across him. Don’t judge me. If white man marry me, momma would be so proud of me. I could see it clearly: mumsy forgiving me for being 26 and without even a steady boyfriend not to talk of fiancé. Opportunity laasan! I gatz show the guy say I sabi ‘have fun’.
“You’re funny”, I coughed.
He frowned. “No. Seriously.”
I laughed. “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA”. Very razz laugh. I am shy.
“Okay, Beembow. Ask yourself for a minute. How else could someone have saved you from that accident so fast?”
I shrugged Obamaically and said, “Well…”
“Exactly. I was trying on a new brassiere in the shop when my spider senses began tingling and I rushed to whisk you away.”
“Well, I know spider senses are a thing, and they are really handy when…wait, what? You were trying on a new bra?”
He blinked. “What? Oh. LOL. I was just jokin’”
I suddenly frowned. “For how long have you been in Nigeria?”
“Erm…about three years now. Why?”
“How come you haven’t been coming to people’s rescue? Swinging from building to building and all that shit?”
“Seriously?” he laughed. “We are in Osun state. A state where the goat population surpasses the humans. Where would I swing from? It doesn’t work from bungalow to bungalow, you know?”
I had to agree. “But why didn’t you go to Lagos?”
He yawned. “I have a fear of the island. Hold-ups, etc. Besides, it’s too expensive.”
I blinked. My oyinbo isn’t rich. This life is just solidified pap. I watched my dreams disappear before my very eyes.
“Hey”, the oyinbo guy was saying. “You know Peter Parker is a hilarious name for a vagina? Get it? Peter Parker? A place where you can park your Peter?” and he started to laugh and snort.
Na wa oh. I’m sorry, mum.
I asked him. “So what about your webs? Do that thingy with your hands where you shoot out webs.”
He blushed. “Seriously? Here? In public?”
And I was like, “yeolz na. That’s the only way you can really prove you are Spiderman.”
Before I fit say It’s Not Yet Boli Season, bros just pull trouser, comot one-eyed snake, carry hand provoke snake, come fire ‘web’.
Aanyway, long and short of this story: I’m still single.
And I don’t have a Zara handbag.