Challenge Four: Vanessur

**How she managed to make something as terrible as The Rapture hilarious, I will never know. Give it up for the beautiful Tweet Veteran, Vanessa! Salaam Aleikum**

Mastermind: Vanessur

Domain: Perfect Nothings


“Ah Vani, you sabi burrow me 5k ? I go return am.”
“Ehn. Okay okay.”
My eyes were glued to my blackberry screen. Didn’t even hear what my always-asking-for-something-says-she’ll-return-it-but-never-ever-does neighbour asked for. Didn’t care. My crush replied my tweet !! After several centuries of trying to get the ode to notice me. I was just looking at the “thank you sweetie”. Even went to his TL to see if he would tweet about me after replying me. He didn’t. >_> Sha, he noticed me! I told him I loved his twitter display picture a.k.a. avatar. To be honest, I didn’t like it talk less of love but abeg, a sister was desperate. And as Abraham Lincoln said that time, even a spoilt clock is right twice a day. The quote has nothing to do with what I’m talking about ? He didn’t say it ? Well, screw you.

Spent the next hour LOL-ing his ‘jokes’. Dude didn’t even as much as RT my ‘LOL’. Such insolence. I carried my big head to bed. Said a quick prayer and laid down. I replied his “thank you sweetie”. “Yeah, you’re welcome. Its a lovely picture.” LOL my thirst was glimmering. Waited for a reply for about 15 minutes, my head started aching so I figured it was time to call it a night. Had been running errands for my mother all day. A niggur was exhausted.
Thoughts of my crush led me to sleep. The “Thank You Sweetie” got me thinking about our church marriage and children bruh. I slept smiling.
 I woke up the following morning shivering. I wriggled beneath the duvet, my eyes still shut.
“Princess, put water in the kettle for me please !” I yelled.
When I didn’t hear any tiny voice reply me an ‘okay’, I came out from underneath my very comfortable duvet.
I was shocked. My room was in shambles. Pieces of my mirror across my room floor. The wallpaper peeling off. The more I stared, the quicker the walls seemed to be closing in on me. I ran out, to the parlour. The corridor leading to the parlour and the parlour were no different. The chairs were split from the middle. Each half turned upside down. I was confused. The glass centre table was no where to be found. And there was no one at home but me. No one to ask. I started freaking out. Maybe they had abducted my family and I would get a call from the kidnappers demanding 1 million naira ransom. Was already putting together a plan to kidnap them back. And maybe after I did, I could help other people whose loved ones had been kidnapped. I would call myself, “Vanessa the kidnapperer backer person”. I started to smile at how intelligent I was then reality struck.
My family was no where to be found. Where the hell would they go on a saturday morning ?! I carefully dodged the pieces of glass on the floor and opened the front door. It was pandemonium. People running all over the place. Some lacking an arm, some, both arms. I couldn’t make out what was going on. I walked to a man sitting on a chunk of wood, he seemed calm, a little too calm. I went over and he looked at me with welcoming eyes. Weird. I didn’t hesitate to ask what the hell was going on. He asked me to sit down and told me everything.
Him : “We’ve been left behind.”
Me : “Left behind what ?!???!!”
Him : “Jesus has come. Rapture. That kind of ‘left behind’.”
Me : “I’m sorry, what ? Uhm, Ashton Kutcher you can totally spring out from wherever you are now.”
Him : “Its no joke. Everyone that isn’t here, was taken.”
I looked around with wide confused eyes and an open jaw. This guy wasn’t joking o. There were two queues.
Me : *points at one of the queues* “What’s going on there ?”
Him : “Oh. Well, that’s for people who want to know why they were left behind.”
Me : “I prayed last night !! What the hell am I doing here ??!!”
Him : “Well, only one way to find out.”
Me : “Wait. What about you ? What are you doing here ?”
Him : “Oh. I was sent here to help the lost ones. Like you.”
Me : “So wait .. I’ve been conversing with a demon … A minion of the Anti christ ??!??! :O”
Him : “Yeah, pretty much.”
Me : “…” *Runs away*
I joined the line. It was taking forever so I was just looking around. No one spoke to any one else. I tried speaking to the person in front of me, no words came out. I just noticed how the colour drained from everything. Our skin. Our cheeks. The skies. It was like it was being sucked from you. Gray skies, grayer clouds. In the books I read, movies I’d seen, none of this was mentioned. I was literally alone. Scared shitless. Waiting for someone to pinch me. I looked far down, and saw the second queue. The man at the front would ask, “The mark or this ?” ‘This’ was a cutlass. The people from the books got that part right. I watched when he asked someone. When the person said she didn’t want the mark, he told her she wouldn’t be able to do anything. Buy anything. Go anywhere. Nothing. She still resisted the mark. Next thing, CHOP! Off went her right arm. He then told her to go and come back when she’d made the right choice. Which was the mark, of course. I was looking in awe. Shock. Jesus Christ. Chineke na me. I watched another person accept the mark. I looked away. Looked to the front of my line. It was almost my turn. I was shivering like a cold puppy. Gosh. I noticed that everyone from the queue I was on would move over to the other queue when they were done. Was it by choice or did we have to go there ??!! When I got to the front, the man opened a book with my name on it and went to the last page. He gave me the book and pointed at something. I looked at him, he looked like a normal human being. Wasn’t he meant to look like hell fire or something ?!!??? I looked at the place he was pointing at and saw my last sin. It read “Lie.” And that was it. Before I got a chance to ask, he gestured towards the next queue. And I went. Reluctantly.
I went to the next queue. The “The Mark or I chop your borry off” queue. The line was really long so it gave me time to think of the lie I had told. I mean, I prayed the night before ! What the hell was I doing here ?!! My family and my glass table had been taken. And I, left behind. Then I remembered. My freaking crush. He was the reason I was here. I wanted to kill the idiot. I looked around for him. Hoped he were here too. Yam head. The line was shortening. I was reaching the front. Freaking out. I knew I couldn’t pick the mark. From what I had read in my bible, Jesus would come back for those who didn’t take the mark. I was afraid but I was going to stick to what was true. Ish. Gosh. The fear was unexplainable. Before I knew it, it was my turn. I wanted to cry, wail, but I couldn’t. He looked at me with rage in his eyes, the kind of one you give your sister when she finishes the jollof rice and leaves the pot there like there’s still something there. That kind. Yes. He said .. Or rather, shouted, “The Mark or This ?!??!!” I was quivering. “THE MARK OR TH …”
 “Wake up!! Mummy is calling you mumu.” I jumped up. My sister was yelling at me with her tiny voice. I went to touch her, to make sure she was real. She was like, “Omg! What are you doing ?! Mummy is waiting! Hurry up!” I ran outside, everywhere seemed normal. No queues. No gray skies. No chaos. NOTHING! Walked back into my home with a perplexed look and instead of my mother to ask her daughter if she was okay she said, “Your madness has finished abi ? Oya come and help me make stew !”
I turned around, the glass table was there.Moral of the story ? If you don’t like someone’s display picture, don’t say that you do.


42 thoughts on “Challenge Four: Vanessur

  1. Lmao!!! Initially I was laughing, then the story began to take another twist, and I began to take it serious, shivering in fright till I was nearing the end, and it made me laugh again.
    This is some funny stuff right here…hehe Dope piece too. 🙂


  2. WoW… Tiny little foxes that destroy the vine, yeah? Nice. Hilarious. Reality Check ‘meter’ (watever that is)
    Good Work, Vani


  3. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL Jesu gbami!!!! I’m just finished over here… Like that jollof rice >_> Okay, I’m sorry. But I love this story to bits and pieces… Great read, and I’m not gonna be telling any avi lies anytime soon


  4. It’s quite wonderful how Vanessa was able to create a new suspense out of an old common tale…nice work dear


  5. I laughed so hard after reading this…

    Any rapture story is meant to scare you to bits but the way she told this was very nice. I’m a new fan, as well.


  6. Well. Well. Well. Well. No words. Yeah, that good. Awesome piece. Humour was injected. The piece of a boss. Well written Vanessur. :*


  7. Ok. I cannot believe Sado got to write for your blog. Whatever. Nothing will make me say how interesting, lovable,suspense filled at the same time light-hearted this piece was. Nothing.


  8. wow! Vani…. If I start famzing you from today, it is because of this wonderful post o… I hope it wouldn’t make me converse with a demon or surprisingly see grey skies or face great torment and depending on a second chance… LOOOL. I would want to believe my actions would be TRUTHful.

    oVunderSpoiler -___-


  9. laughing…still laughing.. And trying to promise that I’ll tell no more lies.. I wonder how u woulda described the amputation bit if it had happened. Nice.


  10. Ok. So I have read all posts in the series but haven’t commented yet because uncle Justin keeps mentioning me just when I’m about to sleep. Anyway, y’all have written well, from the word play to all the stories that describe various themes from rapture all the way to homosexual aliens. Well done.


  11. Also, when will all you story writers form a club where you try to write-up movie scripts. Don’t worry I can be the president and just read the scripts and hook u up to the people that will help you act and produce it.


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