Challenge Twenty Five: Christopher Anenih

by Vunderkind


****I read this by 3:00am in the morning. Dead of the morning. Not a soul was awake. And I laughed like a banshee. And my landlady lives close to me. Can I crash at your side, friends? It will only be temporary, until I fix myself up. Thanks**
Mastermind: Janus Aneni
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IMPACT!

I would like to warn that this entire yarn is entirely ludicrous, but I was assured that it really did happen, from a reliable source. And since hearing this tale, I have learnt a lot, so I tell it to you now.

Also, it’s a bit long. A bit. And also, there’s a bunch of swearing. Ok.

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In the 13th year of the New Age and the second of Ebele’s true reign, the words came to me upon a star, and I write.”Bros I swear, I no fuck am!”
“Shattap!”The scene was like that from any household in any part of the world. The supplicant lay half-kneeling in Perry Cole boxer shorts while his hands clutched his clothes, raised to the heavens in an earnest plea.

Oga, abeg..it was the Devil”

That phrase also was universal.
The threat stood above him towering in a singlet and trousers, a gleaming machete in his hands and a scowl that would frighten Medusa on his face.”I go kill you today! What does she see in you?”

Eight inches.

“I don’t know Oga I swear!”A phone rang on the table a few feet away in the parlous they were currently parlaying in, and the singlet man turned briefly, his attention split for a second. It was all the opportunity the pedilefer needed. Still clutching his clothes, he sprinted out the open door into the compound, his bare feet going pit-pat on the concrete as he headed for the road. Behind him in full pursuit zoomed the angry husband, cutlass weighed at the top of a savage arc.Again, a scene from any other household, anywhere in the world. But this story is not about adultery. This story is about Osakpolor.****

Abeg bring one botu for me, shiid one..

The bar-help placed a sweating bottle of chilled Star lager before the man. His name was Osakpolor and he really needed the cool drink. First, he poured a dollop into the spotless glass cup, swirled it around and poured it on the floor. In his mind he murmured a short prayer. Then he slanted the glass to ease the amber liquid in with as little foam head as possible.

The right way to drink beer.
Another close one. That man for kill pesin today. No be him fault. When e no sabi fuck him wife, why I no go help am.

You see, Osakpolor never really went about seducing married women. They seduced him. If anything, the young Bini simply went about performing a civic duty. Medium height, fair-skinned, with a mellifluous voice and a broken nose, it was his schlong however that was his selling point. Married women needed it. And he used it. He used it a lot.
But that night, things were about to take a drastic turn for him, and the events of that evening would remain etched in his memory.On the news, “Barely three months after the asteroid 2012DA14 performed its near miss past the Earth’s atmosphere, the asteroid which has come to be known as Carolina hurtles towards the planet at 3,000km/h.
“Oh boy, you dey see asteroid so? Person talk say na aliens go dey inside.”
“Aliens ke, next thing you go talk say na Me’lin dey there. You too dey wash fi’m!”
It’s Benin, that kind of gist flows.You see, for the past two days, the constant buzz on the news, online community and invariably the bars had been about Asteroid Carolina. Since the slight deviation on it’s course was confirmed in the early hours of the morning Wednesday GMT, the world had been pushed awake and stunned with fear.
Predictions calculated the angle of incidence to cause the asteroid to hit somewhere in the Atlantic, at an area slightly between the African and South American continents. Generally, the water traffic through those areas had halted but the major fear revolved around the cataclysm that would occur.Like it was in the special CNN report, “..the impact would precipitate a tidal wave that would sweep northwards through the Atlantic, surging against the reefs of Brazil, Peru and most of the West African and South American coast. The true danger however lies in a possible upset of the Ross Ice shelf, an imbalance of which would effect a cataclysm of volcanoes, tsunamis and tidal actions that would leave the Earth completely unlike anything before the Jurassic era. Basically, we face Armageddon from the skies…”People living in coastal areas fled inland looking for higher ground. Churches filled and Twitter crashed daily as billions struggled for the bandwidth to express their thoughts on the matter.

“Carolina is part of Banky’s head that went missing in outer space. It’s only just returning.” – @oVunderkind

Osakpolor stayed in Benin city. The beer was cheap here and there were many married women in search of unknown pleasures.

Russia was the first. Launching a Planet Destroyer about the size of the Empire state building, with enough power to level an entire planet and a chassis that reminded one of the Leviathan from Marvel’s Avengers. The ship took off noon of Thursday to a crowd of cheering supporters. The whole thing was televised.

Vulnovock Planet Destroyer 01 (there were ten) developed by Aeroflot was commanded by Colonel Vladmir Pushkin (no relation). After rounding the asteroid once, to the cheers of viewers watching in 3D screens on Earth, the Colonel located the right spot and ordered Skipper Ivanovich to bring the ship into position port-side, while Gunner Illyich ‘Spock’ Romanov released a salvo of missiles.
The screen went dark. The planet Destroyer 01 ceased transmission.A bearded prophet in Nigeria released a video timed two hours earlier: “Beware Russia! For this is not your fight says God”
People prayed harder.
That was the first night Osakpolor fucked Mr Bassey’s wife, her name was Carolina even.The Americans sent theirs in. USS Huron Enterprise. A ship exactly like that from Star Trek, only larger. Russia immediately declared war on the United States. Ebele gave a speech, with live feeds on facebook and asked all Nigerians to pray for the Nation and to have hope. The Enterprise fared no better, and in a strange show of solidarity and self-preservation, the Arab bloc led by Saudi Arabia, sent up three missiles into space aimed at projected weak points of the asteroid.
The air was filled with fear and panic, and the sky was torn in constant flashes of light. The sound could not penetrate the ionosphere, but the people below, quavered and fasted and fornicated.
Mr Bassey was on his way home from church when he caught Osakpolor between the legs of his wife.

Chim o! Eeei! Chai!” the Igbo woman screamed.

Boom! BOOM! Went the missiles against the resistant Carolina in the sky.
Osakpolor hammered, oblivious to his surrounding, while Carolina Bassey shook and moaned and saw glimpses of rainbows.
That was a couple of hours ago. Right now Osakpolor was four bottles deep into Starland and his pulse rate was beginning to slow. That was when he saw them.
The bar was open air, with a thatch roof and a bar stand in the middle, surrounded by plastic chairs and tables. Usually, the tables were filled with racuous laughter and sagging beneath the weight of dozens of green bottles. Today, the bar was almost empty, and Osakpolor had a good view of the ‘doorway’. Three aliens walked into the bar.
They had huge heads encased in what seemed to a helmet. Their clothes were some form of shiny green neoprene material, like a divers suit, and they were tall. Six feet tall.

Who be these ones..?” murmured Osakpolor, pouring himself another glass of the cold brew.
The aliens kept walking through the bar, talking to themselves in a series of high pitched sounds and gesticular movement. Or as Osakpolor would narrate it, they jus’ dey winsper give each other.

Then he realised the most important aspect of this account; only he could see them.

Iye Osanobu…” They grabbed him.

John McCain: “This is why we shouldn’t have have a black man in that seat. The whole world going to pot, and he wants to settle a score with a Russian.”
Putin: “The Americans conduct weapons test on Urals, call it meteor shower. My people are angry, but I calm them. Now, they think, they can steal my Planet Destroyer? I, Vladmir Putin, does not cower to black American pigs..”
Obama: “Like my forebear said, we’ll fight them on land. We’ll fight them in the air. We’ll fight them in the sea. We’ll fight them in space if we have to. We will not stop. We will not cease. Yes we can.”
Patrick Obahiagbon: “This is a gagabutony of a situation”
Osakpolor: “Hellllp!!”

But you see, Asteroid Carolina was simply a spaceship and the reflector shields were above grade for anything on Earth.
After beaming back to their ship, they had Osakpolor strapped to a metal bed, his arms by his side, stripped down to his Perry Coles. Using a cutter, they delicately cut a portion from his Perry Cole and sterilized it. Apparently, some semen had stuck to the boxer shorts and after spectroanalysis, had made them think it was part of his skin. Probably an exoskeleton. These alien scientists are thorough.

Taking out his schlong in their long, spidery digits, the aliens stroked it, all the while discussing in their high pitched tones. One of them took down notes.
They had been observing Earth for a while now, and the periodicity with which Osakpolor conducted conjugals was simply astounding. So they had to come see.
In other to get a better resolution, one of the aliens took an oily substance and rubbed it on the schlong. As it rubbed all around it noticed a slight stiffening. Pointing it out excitedly to its colleagues, they gathered round and took their turns stroking the appendage. For all his might, Osakpolor could not hold back, with all the hands stroking at his device with such light touches. So, slowly, but surely, the device grew to it’s full size.

Preeeeeeek!” One of the aliens shrieked.
They then proceeded to stroke to see if they could get it any bigger. And with a shudder and a gasp, Osakpolor trembled as he let go a wad big enough to fill a can of Bullet.
The aliens collected the samples as they watched him shrivel back to size. The deed was done. Stitching him up (the boxers) as well as they could, they returned him to the bar, and at the same time let go a heavy pulse with their Neuro-Kinetoreturnizer, which is apparently a device that puts everything back to how it was.

So, Osakpolor woke in the morning of Wednesday GMT with the rest of the world, completely oblivious of anything that had previously transpired. As he walked out his door to the compound bathroom, he saw a pretty woman enter the compound a bale of clothes on her head. Taking off his towel, he waited for her to glance in his direction, then he stepped into the bathroom.
In the sky, a hugs asteroid performed another near miss, and the world grinned in ignorance.

Disclaimer
*I had to include this disclaimer.
*I have no idea what a ‘Gagabutony’ or a ‘Neuro-kinetoreturnizer’ means
*(cancel)This is based on a True story
*I always wanted to use that “Three aliens walked into a bar” line..

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