I would like to warn that this entire yarn is entirely ludicrous, but I was assured that it really did happen, from a reliable source. And since hearing this tale, I have learnt a lot, so I tell it to you now.
“Shattap!”The scene was like that from any household in any part of the world. The supplicant lay half-kneeling in Perry Cole boxer shorts while his hands clutched his clothes, raised to the heavens in an earnest plea.
“Oga, abeg..it was the Devil”
The threat stood above him towering in a singlet and trousers, a gleaming machete in his hands and a scowl that would frighten Medusa on his face.”I go kill you today! What does she see in you?”
“Abeg bring one botu for me, shiid one..”
The right way to drink beer.
Another close one. That man for kill pesin today. No be him fault. When e no sabi fuck him wife, why I no go help am.
But that night, things were about to take a drastic turn for him, and the events of that evening would remain etched in his memory.On the news, “Barely three months after the asteroid 2012DA14 performed its near miss past the Earth’s atmosphere, the asteroid which has come to be known as Carolina hurtles towards the planet at 3,000km/h.
“Aliens ke, next thing you go talk say na Me’lin dey there. You too dey wash fi’m!”
Predictions calculated the angle of incidence to cause the asteroid to hit somewhere in the Atlantic, at an area slightly between the African and South American continents. Generally, the water traffic through those areas had halted but the major fear revolved around the cataclysm that would occur.Like it was in the special CNN report, “..the impact would precipitate a tidal wave that would sweep northwards through the Atlantic, surging against the reefs of Brazil, Peru and most of the West African and South American coast. The true danger however lies in a possible upset of the Ross Ice shelf, an imbalance of which would effect a cataclysm of volcanoes, tsunamis and tidal actions that would leave the Earth completely unlike anything before the Jurassic era. Basically, we face Armageddon from the skies…”People living in coastal areas fled inland looking for higher ground. Churches filled and Twitter crashed daily as billions struggled for the bandwidth to express their thoughts on the matter.
“Carolina is part of Banky’s head that went missing in outer space. It’s only just returning.” – @oVunderkind
Russia was the first. Launching a Planet Destroyer about the size of the Empire state building, with enough power to level an entire planet and a chassis that reminded one of the Leviathan from Marvel’s Avengers. The ship took off noon of Thursday to a crowd of cheering supporters. The whole thing was televised.
The screen went dark. The planet Destroyer 01 ceased transmission.A bearded prophet in Nigeria released a video timed two hours earlier: “Beware Russia! For this is not your fight says God”
People prayed harder.
That was the first night Osakpolor fucked Mr Bassey’s wife, her name was Carolina even.The Americans sent theirs in. USS Huron Enterprise. A ship exactly like that from Star Trek, only larger. Russia immediately declared war on the United States. Ebele gave a speech, with live feeds on facebook and asked all Nigerians to pray for the Nation and to have hope. The Enterprise fared no better, and in a strange show of solidarity and self-preservation, the Arab bloc led by Saudi Arabia, sent up three missiles into space aimed at projected weak points of the asteroid.
The air was filled with fear and panic, and the sky was torn in constant flashes of light. The sound could not penetrate the ionosphere, but the people below, quavered and fasted and fornicated.
Mr Bassey was on his way home from church when he caught Osakpolor between the legs of his wife.
“Chim o! Eeei! Chai!” the Igbo woman screamed.
Osakpolor hammered, oblivious to his surrounding, while Carolina Bassey shook and moaned and saw glimpses of rainbows.
That was a couple of hours ago. Right now Osakpolor was four bottles deep into Starland and his pulse rate was beginning to slow. That was when he saw them.
The bar was open air, with a thatch roof and a bar stand in the middle, surrounded by plastic chairs and tables. Usually, the tables were filled with racuous laughter and sagging beneath the weight of dozens of green bottles. Today, the bar was almost empty, and Osakpolor had a good view of the ‘doorway’. Three aliens walked into the bar.
They had huge heads encased in what seemed to a helmet. Their clothes were some form of shiny green neoprene material, like a divers suit, and they were tall. Six feet tall.
“Who be these ones..?” murmured Osakpolor, pouring himself another glass of the cold brew.
The aliens kept walking through the bar, talking to themselves in a series of high pitched sounds and gesticular movement. Or as Osakpolor would narrate it, they jus’ dey winsper give each other.
“Iye Osanobu…” They grabbed him.
Putin: “The Americans conduct weapons test on Urals, call it meteor shower. My people are angry, but I calm them. Now, they think, they can steal my Planet Destroyer? I, Vladmir Putin, does not cower to black American pigs..”
Obama: “Like my forebear said, we’ll fight them on land. We’ll fight them in the air. We’ll fight them in the sea. We’ll fight them in space if we have to. We will not stop. We will not cease. Yes we can.”
Patrick Obahiagbon: “This is a gagabutony of a situation”
But you see, Asteroid Carolina was simply a spaceship and the reflector shields were above grade for anything on Earth.
After beaming back to their ship, they had Osakpolor strapped to a metal bed, his arms by his side, stripped down to his Perry Coles. Using a cutter, they delicately cut a portion from his Perry Cole and sterilized it. Apparently, some semen had stuck to the boxer shorts and after spectroanalysis, had made them think it was part of his skin. Probably an exoskeleton. These alien scientists are thorough.
They had been observing Earth for a while now, and the periodicity with which Osakpolor conducted conjugals was simply astounding. So they had to come see.
In other to get a better resolution, one of the aliens took an oily substance and rubbed it on the schlong. As it rubbed all around it noticed a slight stiffening. Pointing it out excitedly to its colleagues, they gathered round and took their turns stroking the appendage. For all his might, Osakpolor could not hold back, with all the hands stroking at his device with such light touches. So, slowly, but surely, the device grew to it’s full size.
“Preeeeeeek!” One of the aliens shrieked.
They then proceeded to stroke to see if they could get it any bigger. And with a shudder and a gasp, Osakpolor trembled as he let go a wad big enough to fill a can of Bullet.
The aliens collected the samples as they watched him shrivel back to size. The deed was done. Stitching him up (the boxers) as well as they could, they returned him to the bar, and at the same time let go a heavy pulse with their Neuro-Kinetoreturnizer, which is apparently a device that puts everything back to how it was.
So, Osakpolor woke in the morning of Wednesday GMT with the rest of the world, completely oblivious of anything that had previously transpired. As he walked out his door to the compound bathroom, he saw a pretty woman enter the compound a bale of clothes on her head. Taking off his towel, he waited for her to glance in his direction, then he stepped into the bathroom.
In the sky, a hugs asteroid performed another near miss, and the world grinned in ignorance.
*I had to include this disclaimer.
*I have no idea what a ‘Gagabutony’ or a ‘Neuro-kinetoreturnizer’ means
*(cancel)This is based on a True story
*I always wanted to use that “Three aliens walked into a bar” line..