Ladies, gentlemen. Vunderkind again. WHAT’S GOOOOOOOOOOOD? Haha. I’m hoping you aren’t noticing my very loud absence on this here blog. I told this guy @uluthrix to handle things while I was away but what happened?
In his defence he has a girlfriend and this thing called a job. Ugh.
I opened a new blog about a week ago (stop what you’re about to do; just…stop) on theblankczech.wordpress.com. That’s basically where I go to be all serious and boring. This is the good place. On the plus side, the beer is free on The BlankCzech.
I have with me this man known to all as Genghis Kent, a pretty cool name if you ask me. Go ahead, ask me. It’s a pretty cool name, if you ask me. Go ahead. Ask me again. It’s a pretty cool name if you ask me…
His handle on Twitter is @GenghisKent, and he titles this one Seven Point Agenda. (Aside: notice how ‘agenda’ sounds like what your Yoruba neighbour said when he woke up to find his generator missing? Moving along…)
You know the drill. Words in red belong to Vundie. The next voice you’ll be reading is Genghis Kent’s –
A girl from Twitter sent me a message the other day, very early in the morning. Around six.
“What’s Oritsefemi’s handle?”
Naturally, when someone comes in my DMs to talk about Retweet-for-Retweet, or to ask for the link to a sex tape, or anything remotely as stupid as this, I intuitively block them, report as spam, and stay off Twitter for some weeks. But this was a little bit different. It was too early in the morning. Although I felt the natural urge to log off and go back to sleep, a question kept ringing in my head: why would anyone wake up that early to look up a Twitter handle?
Oritsefemi’s Twitter handle.
I opened Miss ask-me-stupid-question’s profile. She was lightskin has bleached, and her avi revealed a lavish portion of her breasts. I decided, out of stupid curiosity, that I needed to see what it was with Oritsefemi. Perhaps I could even make this girl go on her knees soon. (For prayers, of course.)
“I don’t know.” But Twitter’s search engine isn’t just for leaked nudes. I didn’t include the last part because, I mean, who goes on Twitter looking for nudes?
“Aww. What a shame,” she replied. “I wanted to hype this new brand of his.”
“What new brand of his?” I asked.
“Duh! Have you been on this planet?”
I didn’t mind her being rude because she looked so hot and I thought I could learn something from her.
“So you don’t know what everyone has been on about?” She continued.
“Humor me.” I implored.
“Okay, I’m sure you’ve heard of Beliebers.” I still didn’t mind her tone because this dick will not suck itself God asked us to be patient with others.
I said yes.
“And you know Korede Bello’s fan base is Bellovers?”
I said yes. Again.
“Okay, well, Oritsefemi now has a name for his fan base. It’s called Feminism.”
I have now deleted my Twitter.
Because enough damage has been done to my IQ.
Anyway, I digress. I’m not about to bother on the follies of Nigerian social media, or even feminism for that matter, although it’s very probable that I got inspiration from these two aforementioned. (Please, pretend like you’re about to read something meaningful.)
You see, on this same Twitter one day, I came across a quote by a British novelist, Sir William Golding. (Ghen-Ghen!)
Bruh, this quote made me realise what my life purpose was. (Although, I felt the same way when I first saw boobs.) I realised that in the actual sense, it was men, and not women who needed to fight for equal rights. I mean, who runs the world, right?
Thus, I proclaimed myself, Alaadin, the supreme masculist.
Yes, you guessed it. My mission is to fight vigorously in support of men whose phalluses have been denied eternal access to their women’s oral cavity. In the same vein, I envision a world where men can stand on a podium and point out members of the opposite sex with whom they’ve had a coital relationship, without fear of stones, or guns, or spiritual problems.
The following is a list of my demands from the general public, tagged: Seven Point A-gender. (Isn’t this the best pun you’ve seen in ages?)
- Firstly, I demand the rights of a man to have his meal well prepared by his wife, or any other form of female companion, as and when he deems fit. (Even at 3 AM. Because some of us like to eat when we can also hear our stomach grinding the food particles.)
- Secondly, I demand for the rights of a man to stack up side chicks. The latest stastistical research by (insert statistical body of choice) puts the number of women and men three to one. It’s only natural, therefore, that a man, in his humanly love (or whomanly, if you’ll indulge me) volunteers to help organized society out this delicate position.
- I demand for free and exclusive rights to boobs. Yes, It’s very essential to the psychological advancement of a man that he squeezes boobs anyhow he likes. The claim by women therefore, that a man who squeezes boobs anyhow wants to slack it for the next boyfriend is bogus, and only a plot to hinder their mental well being.
- I demand for the rights of a man to, at his disposition, safely request a threesome scenario, which will involve himself, his wife, and any other female (preferably one of the wife’s hot friends) without fear of consequences and repercussions. Also, women who demand for a threesome with their husband and another male are a threat to society.
- I demand a change in our music videos. The demeaning act has perpetrated for too long and has rendered the music scene morally reprehensible. We’re tired and sick of music videos with just four or five men in the midst of hundreds of women, majority of whom are almost naked. I mean, It’s very shameful because, WHERE ARE THE MEN?!! Why aren’t there as much men in the videos as women? Is that to say men are apes? (Wipes off tears.) That no one needs their faces in music videos? This is an injustice, and I’m taking the fight to social media. Please show support by tweeting with hashtag #BringBackOurMenInMusicVideos. Thanks.
- Yes. I demand the rights to tap ogo. This is the bony prominence at the back of the head, and we believe girls with big big Ogo are usually stingy, or heartless, or both. Otherwise, why wouldn’t they let us tap this divine manifestation of God in form of an occipital protuberance? (Lemme tap your ogo so I know it’s real.)
- Finally, I demand that when a beautiful woman is looking for a job, and a man decides to hire her, she will not blackmail him by refusing to take the job unless he sleeps with her. This sexual exploitation and molestation at its peak. Please, help create awareness. All a man wants is to employ hot beautiful women who will not end up asking him for sex.
Thank you gentlemen and ladies, (because men come first.) I have absolutely no idea what I’ve been smoking too.