He was sat across from her, easy like Sunday morning. Black suit. Politically correct bow tie. Dimples. Robert Downey Jnr-ish beards. She wondered, not for the first time, why he was still in the ‘singles market’.
He, on the other hand, was preoccupied with trying to chew in as civil a manner as possible. It wouldn’t do to make a faux pas. He knew her social crowd. The “yes, please, and thank you” and the “just a soupçon of garlic, Monsieur Goulash” crowd. No. It wouldn’t do to make a faux pas at all.
“Do you spit or swallow?”
He choked on his veal. Mini-tears sprang to his eyes, and he blushed as much as his black skin would allow.
“Sorry. I beg your pardon. I didn’t quite hear what you said…” he trailed off.
“Your wine tasting. Do you spit or swallow?” she asked sweetly again.
These tush people will not kill me, he thought. “I swallow, of course. How about you, Victoria?”
“I spit. And I do not allow the wine stay a fraction longer than it takes to appreciate the flavors and richness.”
“Oh,” he said, unsure of what to say next. “Why’s that?”
She laughed again. It was reminiscent of playground chuckles. “I’m just a social snob.”
You know this, he thought. What you need is a long, hard –
“You thought I was referring to blowjobs, didn’t you?”
For the second time that evening, his cheek skin attempted the impossible feat of blushing.
“Of course not,” he deadpanned.
She laughed again. She was hysterical. “You did. Admit it.”
“Okay,” he allowed himself an easy chuckle, even though it felt like Dwayne Johnson was reaching down his throat. “Maybe I did. A little. What does that make me?”
“A man,” she said. Her face was straight.
“A what? You sexist, you!”
“I know!” and she threw up her hands in laughter.
This babe has drunk too much, he thought with much consternation. He didn’t like the looks their table was receiving.
“Did you notice…there are no Nigerian serial killers?” she asked, out of the blue.
His surprise registered immediately. Where did that come from?
“No. I never really thought of it. But now that you mention it…”
“Yes…?”
“Technically, Clifford Orji was a serial killer.”
She laughed again. The laughter was beginning to irritate him. And it wasn’t even 9:00 pm yet. New record.
“Clifford Orji was a human parts dealer. Hardly a serial killer,” she sighed. “He had strong political connections too, I heard. Like, he was the departmental store of body parts for essential power-retaining rituals.”
He chuckled. “I hear what you’re saying Victoria. Still…to actually procure his prey, he had to use the basic serial killer techniques, I expect.”
“Basic serial killer techniques? What would you know about those?”
I dey jack novel. I dey wash feem. Which kain kweshun you come dey ask? “Ah. I have my ways…” he winked conspirationally.
She leaned back in her chair and raised an eyebrow. “Hm. I’ll bite. What are the basic serial killer techniques?”
He smiled. Time to go in for the kill. “Identify. Befriend. Alienate. Terminate. The IBAT principle.”
She cackled. “You totally made that up just now!”
He smiled. You have no idea, Miss. “No, I did not.”
“You definitely did. I saw you pause to think up the acronym when you were done.” Her eyes drooped monentarily, but she recovered quickly enough.
Clever. “You never know. Like Clifford, I may right now be refining my hunt.”
“Oh? And I suppose I am your prey, being female and by default in the vulnerable demographic, eh?”
He laughed. “Precisely so. I am currently in the Befriend phase with you, although as we speak, we may be shifting gears into the Alienate phase.”
“Oh?” she said again. “I seem to have missed the Identify phase. How did I become a suitable target in the sea of defenseless females all around Abuja? Surely, some more ‘eligible’ should have caught your eye?” Her eyes dipped again.
“Ah, don’t demean yourself, Victoria. You live in a hotel. Sheraton. You never get any visitors. Estranged from your father. Your mother’s dead. You own your own business. You keep a low profile. The paparazzi doesn’t know what you look like. You are popular, but invisible. Now, why would a serial killer looking to kill himself some popular chicks without being spotted too soon pass up on that buffet?”
She was stunned, he noticed. Good.
“Okay. I’ll bite. So you want to add me to your ‘collection’, and we are well acquainted. So we’re almost past your befriend phase, right? I mean, we’re probably going to end up fucking tonight in your room, are we not?”
I take it back. This chick is not gold. She’s priceless. “Yes. The rules dictate that we should be in the alienate phase right now…”
“…I don’t feel pretty much alienated right now.”
“Oh, but you are. You called your hotel to tell them you’ll be arriving late tonight, because I told you the restaurant had changed our dinner time. We signed our names here as Mr. and Mrs. Chibueze. As far as this restaurant is concerned, you are my wife. As far as I am concerned, how can you be sure you know my real name?“
He could see the first tendrils of fear twisting round her heart. Brilliant.
To her credit, she didn’t pick her keys off the table and run squealing off. She had a glint in her eye, even though her lips trembled a little.
“So what now? Wait. Am I…am I drunk?” she whispered, but her words still came out slurred.
“Your drink. I spiked it with Rohypnol. You should go under in a few seconds.”
“You…bastard.” Her head lolled to the side, and she regained composure momentarily. Without warning, she fell forward, upsetting her half empty plate.
The waiter came rushing over.
The man smiled. “Sorry about that. Well this is embarrassing – my wife – she has had too much wine.”
The waiter smiled in understanding, and helped the man hoist his ‘wife’ up and out of the restaurant.
When they got to the car, he tipped the waiter and delicately arranged his ‘wife’ in the front seat. She was drooling on her own shoulder.
He sat at the driver’s seat. The key was in the ignition. The car was idling. But he had one more journal entry to make.
Opening the pigeonhole, he retrieved a leather bound diary.
On it was written:
Project 6.
Identify. Complete.
Befriend. Complete.
Alienate. Complete.
Pen poised over the journal, he looked at the woman at the other side. God, she is so beautiful. So perfect.
He wrote.
Terminate. In progress.
The car came to life.
lol… wow!
LikeLike
lol… wow! Really nice 🙂
LikeLike
Ah. Thanks Anu ^.^
LikeLike
Absofookinglutely good!!!
LikeLike
Fook! He liked it!
LikeLike
This is both fascinating and creepy…..should we be concerned???…..
LikeLike
Not unless I appear easy like Sunday morning, put on a Black suit and aPolitically correct bow tie. Oh, shit. I have dimples! Hooray, no beards!
LikeLike
Now that’s not a good ending. Note to self Never ever go anywhere alone with justin
LikeLike
Awww babe. You know I can never hurt you. [I’ll give you lovebites though]
LikeLike
But….it was brilliant…from the ‘spit or swallow’ τ̲̅ȍ the teasing τ̲̅ȍ the actual weird serial killer ish..okay….I’m talking too much….well…technically…I’m typing..anyways..twas..very good…:)
LikeLike
Wanna have dinner with me sometime 🙂 We could discuss our wine-tasting haibts 😀
LikeLike
Nice piece. Kept thinking it was a joke…I wish it was scarier though…
LikeLike
LOOOOOOL! It would have been scarier, had I continued. In the longer version, it is pretty gory, but in this shortened-for-wordpress version, I had to let go of the creepiness.
I try to be funny, most of the time, but sometimes I do this…
Thanks for visiting!
LikeLike
HAYYYY. Serial killer lomo yen. #badman #hecantbestopped #alientohbad #seriallike123 #intense #idontknowwhyiamtaggingthisthing #iamevencrying #justlookat #nuisance #awesome
LikeLike
#JustLookAtThisInsanity #GoBackToTwitterOrInstagram #ThisIsWhatHappensWhenTheyIncreaseThePriceOfYourDrugs #ShitIamHashTaggingToo #AyamSuddenlyShy
LikeLike
*slowly claps* I liked it. Kept me hooked. We have to talk about this ending though. & a couple other stuff.
LikeLike
Ah…*sweats from beneath moustache* where do we meet? Where three footpaths meet?
Thanks for taking time to come, Vani
[#NP: I’m Glad you Came]
Nothing sexual about that… (>_>)
LikeLike
Beautiful! Very beautiful. Don’t stop.
LikeLike
Thanks. And I won’t stop.
Glad you came 🙂
LikeLike
That actually had me fearful. Well done!
LikeLike
Whoa. I’ve not heard of a true Nigerian serial killer though. One who follows the IBAT principle, that is.
But then again, there’s our Nigerian police, and I suddenly see why I may just be delusional.
Thanks for reading, Miss!
LikeLike
U are mad. Stop.
U are very mad. Stop.
A very good write up. Stop.
LikeLike
Thanks. Stop.
._.)
LikeLike
I want to hashtag something.. #Something
Brilliant, Justin. The slow unravelling..that’s what got me.
PS: You see now, you young gehs..when man wii tell you, let’s roleplay..I’ll be Mr..you be Mrs..ON FIRST DATE! Smh..
#TeamNoFIRSTDATES (˘̯˘ )
I had to hashtag something remember.
#Something.
LikeLike
I wanna hashtag stuff too.
#stuff
Thanks Janus…**reclines on settee, twirls moustache**
LikeLike
Brilliant. Absolutely fucking brilliant. Now I wanna be a serial killer.
No, not really, ladies. Please continue sending your nudes.
LikeLike
Me too, I will hashtag.
#LookAtThisFilth
#LadiesSteerClear
#TakeOnlySoftDrinks
#TrustNoOne
LikeLike
Filth! Shoo. Shoooooo…
My parents are now reading my blog so I have to pretend not to like nudes.
*We go block for DM*
LikeLike
I absolutely love it!!!!! Brilliant!!!!
LikeLike
Jesus. This is…like the first time you’re actually using the exclamation marks. Lord, you said in your word…
**crickets**
…okay, I forget my scriptures.
Sha, anyway (like yoruba gehs like to say: “sha, anyway”) Tens for coming.
#NP again: [I’m glad you came]
**bobs head**
LikeLike
Even If I wasn’t mentioned (On twitter) to read this Piece , I just had to come here . Crayyyy anyway .
LikeLike
Thanks! Thanks! Thanks! And twitter suspended me for sending unsolicited @’s, so I was pretty sparing with my mentions.
But thanks for coming though. Thankkkkkkssss!!!!
LikeLike
Vulcan y’all.This lad z tha real deal.You seize your audience,enthralling ’em to the end.Vizuri.
Spitttttt…
LikeLike
Niggah, wat did you just say about my momma? *gets all up in yo bizniz*
Thanks amigo. Muy gracias
LikeLike
See how he casually ‘chooked’ my name in there like it’s nothing. Smh.
Anyway, this is a very nice piece. I like it! A* for effort; A for brilliance. 🙂
LikeLike
Loooool. You know, when you told me your name, I favorited it. With sinister plans to use it in a story later in the future. Thanks for being a sport 🙂
LikeLike
Great read…i for a moment assumed twas a normal meet n greet well…
LikeLike
I assumed the same too. How we were both deceived 😦
LikeLike
Brilliant
LikeLike
Niggah. I preferred your name when it was “Fed Up Lad”. Pronouncing it “FUL” is just…idk. Go ahead, pronounce it and lemme know what you think (._. )
Thanks, mahn! Bro fist.
LikeLike
Since everybody dey hashtag, I too shall join the band wagon
#socksblownoff
#nowscareoftheVunderkind
#nowveryscaredoftheVunderkind
#thisisfreakingawesome
LikeLike
#RecoverYourBlownOffSocks
#YouNeedYourWankMaterial
#KeepYourHardenedSocksToYourself
#TheyCallYourSocksOkoOloyunInLagos
#ThanksForYourCommentsThough
HNIC….Mon ami 🙂
LikeLike
How can you name this spit or swallow? I was expecting a gagging tale! But I have to commend how you make your stories tho! Hey man this is for you “fook you” lols. Great stuff
LikeLike
E je ki n ki Ex-ghoul for a minit!
*dobales* _______O_
Thanks homie.
LikeLike
My fantasies and tendencies in text… Good work bruv.
LikeLike
Niggah, we should compare notes sometime….(>_>)
Thanks for the comment!
LikeLike
Personally dis is nice; btw nutn wrong in being too careful;dnt be too trusting ladies #jstsaying#okbye#
LikeLike
LOOOOOL! I like it when someone gets the moral lesson.
But ladies, I am harmless. My name is not Chibueze.
(._.)
Where are y’all going?
Thanks for the comment, merliq!
LikeLike
Very well done.
Good going.
LikeLike
Thank you sir!
LikeLike
Wow. Note: Ways to get peeps to read your blog.
1) SELZUAL TITLE.
2) CREEPY Content.
3) Comedy.
Read all the statements in italics again….
But seriously, the title alone won my heart.
Dunno Why you had to spoil my expectations by inserting wine tasting into it. That was just mean 😦 . Like seriously, who has time for wine tasting in Nigeria when they haven’t sorted out their power problems yet. *sigh
*Goes back to pound yam*
OkBye
LikeLike
Bruv, no let seed form inside that yam oh. 😦 Me sef no even sabi fruit juice tasting.
Thanks again. You are awesome.
LikeLike
I think am in…nvm. Like serial killing stories. What does dat make me? Wonderful write up.
*going back to sleep* #nightmares
LikeLike
Quote: “I think am in…nvm.” Unquote.
You are in…what? Malaysia? Paradise? Atop a hump-backed giraffe with Parkinson’s? Love? Help me here….
And you like serial killer stories? Ooooh baby, we should taste wine some time!
Thanks!
LikeLike
LOOOOOL!!!
I imagined the hump-backed ungulate [#teamWeBadt #YesWeUseBigwords #itsAllScience #WikipediaKids #hashtagCrew ] it looked like camel with arthritis and a bad case of the itchies..smh
LikeLike
OK! So I shall come back to comment in a minute, just let me call up this man and cancel this weekend’s date…
LikeLike
Does he have a Mustang? If yes is the response, permit me to pirouette and shriek “YES. Score one for Nigeria!”
Hehe…(>_>)
LikeLike
But then again, I wonder. If I had to die by serial killer I think I’d rather do it in a Mustang with a South American. Abi how u see am?
LikeLike
This is a materialistic generation. It is just so sad.
*Walks out of blog forever*
LikeLike
me, I always wondered how a Naijan serial killer will manage to pull off the kill… And you’ve left me wondering #angryface
Awesome still.
LikeLike
I will correct this error soon, mai dia…forgive me
LikeLike
Nigeria’s most professional serial killer? Probably o. Dt guy was geniusely psycho…make brains. Stupid girl.
LikeLike
LOOOOOL! But “stupid girl” ahn ahn. What did she do na? 😥
LikeLike
That is why he is still available
Brilliant
But I think if STV, NTA carries the woman’s face
The waiter should be able to remember his face
Because they did draw a lot of attention
I am a writer! *amused laughter*
LikeLike
You put a lot of faith in the Nigerian police force,do you not? Thanks for reading. I am muy honored
LikeLike
Aha!!!!! I did like this! You got grinning all the way to the end. Niceeeee
LikeLike
Totally loved it..gr8 piece 🙂
LikeLike
Dunno how ah got redirected here.. buh ah do kno one thaing; ah AINT LEAVING!
Dope sh* abeg..
LikeLike
Ok.
This is gewd!
This is really gewd!
Diz iz rili geuwd!!!
LikeLike
I loooooooooove this piece!
LikeLike
Vunderkind the weird one! This is really creepy, wow and genius. Nice one.
LikeLike