Challenge Nine: Volturi_Lord

**Fam, madness is real. Someone once told me ara ndi nudinudi, which I think means madness is in stages (it may also mean I gave fellatio to a monkey. There is no trusting these ibo people). Volturi_Lord is here to give us a live demonstration**

Mastermind: Volturi_Lord

Domain: NaijaDude


First it had been “you’re too stiff, Jim. You need to loosen up”

I loosened up

Then It had been “you’re too secretive, Jim. You need to be more open about your emotions”

I pretended to be more open about my emotions

Then it had been ” you’re too nerdy jim” I think this frames will make you more macho

I didn’t like the new glasses, but I wore it anyway.

Finally it was ” you’re so being a child about this jim, why can’t you just be more of a man and tell me about your fantasies”

I told her and like the chinese say the rest is rice, egg rolls and kung pao chicken.

To make this story meet the cut for this sci-fi/Fantasy blog challenge ( The Big Blog Theory) I’m gonna need y’all to assume the following.

1). The following occurs in an alternate universe, where err….  Being a nerd is still uncool, you need to tweet about smoking weed to get a 1000 followers on twitter, good guys get  no pussy and no one gives absolutely a fuck about me in my school. But an alternate universe still.

2). The protagonist Jim is an hare, the Villain ( whom you get to meet later) is a bitchy rabbit and just use your mind assign various animal persona to the other characters.

3). The story contain therein is not a true life story. Just to be clear, this author did not at one time, or another go through this and is using Vunderkind’s blog as a therapy session.

Just so we’re clear again…..I’m not about to commit suicide, I’m just curious as to how one would construct a suicide note, if “one” wanted to.

The conditions in my room right now are just right for suicide if you’re into that kinda thing, which I’m not. Charlie boy by The Lumineers on the stereo, tv tuned on the black belt mixed martial arts channel and on mute. Remnants of the Chinese I had for dinner scattered on the coffee table and the colt python .357 magnum revolver at the place on honor next to my laptop keyboard as I type this. Once again, so you no go carry rumor around, I’m not gonna kill myself, I just wanna see what it would feel like if I did want to. Which I don’t.

She was the exchange student and I was the head-nerd in-charge of-the-class. Just like in the movies. Well to be sincere I was like the only nerd in class so let’s just say I wasn’t quite popular. She had the grace of a cobra, the rangy controlled-strength look of a cheetah and the beauty of a swan. She was the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen and hence the prettiest I will ever since I’ve decided to……….

For half of the semester she never said a word to me, I never said a word to her and she played a very central role in my wet dreams.

Once again just like in the movies our relationship had started quite awkwardly. One day outta the blue she had approached me and asked “I heard you’re the smartest guy in this class jim, is that true?” Well, seeing as I was absolutely ecstatic that she knew my name and her voice almost had me jizzing my pants, I have no idea how I manage to reply her.

But at the end of the conversation, the following resolutions were made:

Since her GPA was not just in the toilet but had actually been flushed into the sewage system I was gonna do her assignments, help her “study”, allow her sit next to me during tests and exams and copy my work and be her academic “handiboy” in general.

While she was gonna be my girlfriend, or at least something similar if I was cool about it and didn’t run my mouth, she was also gonna help me get a little bit more attention and status in our class, teach me how to be cool, and more importantly get some twitter celebs (who were her personal friends) to follow me and get other people to follow me and hence make me a twitter celeb too… Who would have thought? That I, jim was gonna be part of the “it” peepz?

And all for a little spying in return? I was so in.

Let’s move forward a bit…

It is now 4 months into our arrangement and everything had been going great. That was until justin had show up.

Once again just like in the movie Justin was the exact opposite of me. Even with the best effort of Shade, and trust me she did try her best, she just couldn’t mold me into a people person. This also wasn’t my fault. People just don’t seem to like me. They tend to have these feeling where they wanna hit me, or rip off my skull, or just plain kill me. A girl once told me that within 5 minutes of meeting me she wanted to bite my nose off…… That’s another story sha.

Long story short, justin was all sorts of awesome. I was smart, smart he also was. And that peepz is all I have going for me. He plays the guitar in a rock band, well momma had made join the choir when I was young. He was a jock with rock hard abs and rock hard thighs and I was a a skinny, flabby, weedy glasses toting dude. He was according to the gist floating around school incredibly hung while my johnson is so shy you barely see him in a cold day.  You all know how this story’s gonna go na, we’ve seen it a lot in movies.

It wasn’t pretty, but its life. Slowly and slowly she wangled herself outta my grasp. The last straw I think was the night she had coerced me into telling her my fantasy. The aftermath of which hadn’t been pretty.


You wanna hear my fantasy?

Well if you think I’m gonna share that here then you’re dumber than Joey.

I can’t stand this any more though. At least now the world will know why I have to do what I’m about to do. Justin has gat my girl, my only friend…every other person except momma hates me, and he has got….well, he’s got everything. Its time to end this

I slowly lift the revolver and placed it against my temple. I know the bible is against suicide hence I can’t pray to God. Dunno bout islam though so maybe Allah will have mercy on me.  I slowly mumble some arabic mumbo-jumbo while inserting Allah every now and again into the verbal miasma.


My fore finger caresses the trigger and then abruptly press it.



I forgot to buy bullets!!


10 thoughts on “Challenge Nine: Volturi_Lord

  1. Wait..wait..Arabic mumbo-jumbo with Allah here and there? LOOOl..smh..smh..don’t worry, soon people would understand us..and the googles wearing nerds of this Universe shall rule the Galactic Federation!


  2. LOL! All hail this nerdy nerd… I’d rather pretend that the story isn’t fiction.. I could help you tho.. Ask oVunderkind, Im coool..
    *whispers* I know ow to murder Justin

    Great piece.. Engaging story.. Liked the part where we had to go sci-fi… 😀


  3. I was just going to skim through ‘coz of my eyelids were bowing out but i actually read did manage to do ‘cliché’ well with your twists….good one.
    NB:Allah,the chic woulda gone first!


  4. LOOOOOOL The ultimate nerd. But you know, the force from the gun, depending on the type, could put a hole in your head, bullet or no. Just thought to share 🙂 Really funny, great read


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